The guys were playing roulette as old gangsters. I’m probably just hiding somewhere in the corner, I was always a loner and I eagerly welcomed every chance I had to hide alone with my depressive thoughts.
I’m slowly going through the crowd. Shit, I nearly stood on Andreas‘ foot. He throws a searching glance over me, but eventually turns away. He didn’t know all the people from the team, so he probably doesn’t realize I don’t belong here, and even if he does, he won’t give a shit. He’s been boozing since early morning as well. I surely look like a freak, maybe that’s why he stared at me.
I can’t see Tom anywhere, maybe we are somewhere together, but then I can’t accomplish my mission. I need at least a while alone with my younger self.
I go through the entire room and finally I see it. Over there, there are some cosy leather sofas, it’s private enough there and I must have hidden there back then. I needed to be alone for a while, before all the people would come to us.
I head over there slowly, trying to look casual. There are not so many people in here, so I have to make sure I look totally natural.
My younger myself is directly where I expected him to be. He is sitting in the leather booth, holding a glass of some overly sweet alcoholic beverage. I can’t understand how I could drink that shit back then, it was terrible. He’s looking blankly in front of self and is obviously drowning in his thoughts. Crap, what was I thinking about? Maybe about Tom, as always, but thanks to the booze I can’t remember anything.
I take a deep breath, my heart is beating like crazy in my chest and my hands are trembling, but I can’t postpone my actions anymore, I’m running out of time. Now I will go and change my life. I’m about to turn it completely upside down. I hope I won’t kill myself or anything…
I get closer to the booth, nodding to my younger self and giving him the resealed envelope.
Luckily it’s quite gloomy in there, so he probably won’t notice the glue.
„Hey, I guess this is for you, Bill, somebody left it in the restroom,“ I am trying to speak with a deeper voice than usual. He looks at me with sad eyes, nods and just says: „Thanks.“
„You’re welcome,“ I answer, lifting my ass from the comfy couch and hurrying from this place. Now it’s your turn, my dear Bill, I have done everything I could.
I disappear behind a corner, but I make sure I still have a good view. That’s the only way how to watch what is happening with my letter. I disrupted the time-space now. I’m sorry, grandpa. This didn’t happen in 2007, so everything from now on will be different. I pray to the universe to make everything all right. I hope he won’t just put the letter into his pocket.
I hypnotize my younger me, praying almost out loud. What time is it? He’s staring at the envelope, reading Tom’s message on it:
„This letter is addressed only to Bill Kaulitz, born on 1.9.1989 in Leipzig. If you are someone else, don’t touch it or I’ll find you and kick your ass! Tom Kaulitz.“
I can see he is smiling. I also had to laugh when I read it for the first time. He is impatient as he tries to open the envelope. Finally he opens it the same way I did. After all, we are one body, one soul. He takes the letter out and I hold my breath for a short second. His face is expressionless as he starts to read, no big feelings can be seen, but after a moment he looks a little bit bored He looks about himself, probably looking for me to ask me what sort of a bullshit it is. I quickly hide behind the door so he can’t spot me. After a while I peep out again, I have to know what he’s doing right now. I hope he won’t be that mistrusting and will go on reading the other page too, or I’ll kill myself.
I mutter a prayer again. I can’t breathe as I see him turn the page. Yes! Yes! Yes! Curiosity was always my weak point. I rule!
I can see the shock in his eyes as he reads the „Bill, my love“ line. I know exactly how he’s feeling right now. He has to feel a great joy, his dream has come true. He looks around in panic, making sure nobody’s watching, and then he unobtrusively puts the letter under the table. I can see him thinking hard about it, but he carries on reading and that’s important. I would like to have a look inside his head.
Then his eyes start to get glassy. A tear drop flows down his face and I’m sure everything’s going to be just fine. I wait until he finishes reading and then I anxiously await how the congratulations part is going to turn out. Time is running very fast and I think they’re already lighting up eighteen candles on the cake in the kitchen.
It’s clear the younger me is confused, but I can also see happiness in his eyes full of tears. Obviously he doesn’t give a shit the letter is going to be written tomorrow, the words Tom wrote down on the paper are more important than this minor detail. He puts the letter back into the envelope and shoves it into the pocket of his striped jacket. I can hear people shouting his name, obviously looking for him.
My brother is sent for me and he goes directly to the booth. He always knew where to find me. I hide again so they can’t see me, heading back to the back door; I have to leave in a moment. I can watch the ceremony from the door and only hope it goes well.
I am hidden in the shadow of a Thai statue, waiting for the guys to arrive to the cake. Gordon makes a speech, but just a short one; he was never a long-speech fan. Everyone is given a glass of champagne and all together they sing ‚Happy Birthday‘ for us. It’s a terror, they are all desperately off-key and my sensitive ears are about to run away and hide from the noise. Together we blow out the candles and now I have to keep my fingers crossed, now our entire lives are about to change…
They all come by, one by one, to congratulate us, one hand, another one and another one, „Happy birthday“ is said a hundred times. I have to hold on, it will take a moment, there are shit loads of people. Hurry up, leute, otherwise I’ll run out of time and won’t find out anything.
Finally, the last handshake and a kiss from mom. Now here comes the Moment. I can’t breathe, I’m shaking violently again and I’m an absolute mess. In Tom’s eyes I can see his desire to hug me but I can’t see my younger self; the only thing I see is his back, so I really can’t see his expression.
I’m praying, praying… and it actually works… I haven’t stepped aside, I go straight towards Tom and hug him so tightly everyone has to notice. I saw something like a kiss on the ear, but probably I just whispered something to Tom. He turns his eyes to me and smiles so wonderfully. It’s done. Everything is clear now. I’d like to be with them when they are going to talk in the evening. Maybe they will do more than talk, but unfortunately I have to go back. I have just enough time to go back to Beda, put on the overall and go back to the future. I really hope the future will be the same as I have always imagined it. Grandpa is going to kill me when he finds out what I have done.
It’s already dark outside, it’s totally overcast and the wind blows pretty cold from the Elbe. At midnight, when they will be in the ice bar having a drink, I will probably be in my new life. So, I put on the overall, the helmet is ok, the co-ordinates are set and I can go home. I turn the ignition on, but I’m not scared anymore. I know what is awaiting me. Though I don’t know what it will be like at all.
When I open my eyes again, I’m already in the old man’s lab. There’s no feeling that could surprise me now, everything is the way it should be and I am back. Grandpa is sitting on a chair, watching the screen, but he hasn’t noticed I’m back yet. Is he deaf or what?
I knock on the car window. Grandpa jerks a little, looks around the room and starts grinning as soon as he sees me. He opens the door and when I clumsily get out, he hugs me tight. I have to take the helmet off so I can talk to him, but the words are just stuck in my throat, I’m so moved.
„Welcome home, Bill,“ says grandpa and he seems relieved to have me back. Back and alive, that’s the best result that could have happened. But that’s where all my jolly thoughts end, because the next sentence is going to be difficult for me. I have to start lying to the old man. If I said the truth about what I’ve done there, I bet he would send me back to set things right. I can’t breathe a word of it.
„I hope everything went according to plan and you didn’t get up to any mischief back there,“ he throws a searching glance at me.
„Yes, grandpa, everything’s ok,“ I lie without any shame. „I saw my brother and myself, even all the people from the production team and my parents. Everyone was there. It was great. Thanks, grandpa, it helped me a lot.“
„You’re welcome, youngster, I thank you too, I could have never finished Beda without your help.“
I am glad I could help him, but now I have to go to live my new life. We have talked about what it will be like after I come back before I went. The entire laboratory is in a space-time vacuum, so no changes I’ve done in the past would reflect there. But as soon as I leave the lab, everything will change to the state how it’s supposed to be according to the new present. Grandpa doesn’t count on that, but I know it’s gonna be huge.
As soon as I walk out of the door, I will be where I should be in my new life. It might be the other end of the world, but I count with that. It’s clear I won’t go to the yard, grab Scotty and drive back in my old car to my old apartment. I can only pray we adopted Scotty anyway, so I can meet him again. That’s the only thing I would regret. I don’t give a shit about the car; it won’t be standing in the yard anyway.
The old man told me several times about people who have changed something in the past and then came back. They’ve found out that the returned person has two memories in one head. The first is the old one, from the time before going to the past, and the other is the new one, created by all the changes. They gradually merge into one, but the merging process takes at least fourteen days, usually over a month. The new memory appears slowly via dreams and flashes, so I will have to improvise for a while. I am scared as hell about it, but it’s worth the new life which is expecting me. I know for sure I’m going to live a whole new life, because the thing I’ve done must have turned my situation upside down. But there’s also the risk that I might have died, then there will be nothing at all and I will crumble to dust. I suppose I wouldn’t even notice. Maybe this is my last hour in this world…
In the new life I’m about to start I won’t remember the old man or Beda, because if my brother won’t die, the old man won’t have any reason to call me and so we won’t meet. I’d like to give him the money to make his dream come true, but there is the risk of him having two memories as well and then he would probably be really pissed at me. I’d rather send him the money via mail.
The old man is still asking about some technical details, he runs me through some tests to check whether everything is alright, but it’s time to leave the lab and I am really scared. It’s clear to see I’m one hell of a liar, because he doesn’t seem even slightly worried.
„So come on, lad, we’ll have a coffee in the kitchen and then you can go home with Scotty,“ the old man calls and I know this is the moment of truth. I once more have a look at Beda, thanking him for a great trip and then I grab the door handle. I know there will be no coffee in the kitchen.
I feel an energy impact and then… I faint…
I come round in a bathroom. I’m standing in front of a mirror, looking totally different than I used to look before. The beard is away, thank God, and I’m doing my hair, holding a switched-on hair dryer and a comb. I am almost naked; there’s just a tiny white bath towel around my waist, so I guess I’ve already had a shower then. A flash of bathing glints through my head… yeah, sure that’s the new memory getting into my mind… well that’s fast.
My hands fall down helplessly, I switch the hair dryer off, I don’t know how to go about with my hairstyle. I have never had this one, I have to remember quickly what to do with that, but I have no idea, my head is empty like a cave… it won’t be that fast after all.
My hair has white streaks again and I also have perfectly black nails. When I grin, something brushes against my teeth. I poke my tongue and wow… it’s my old tongue piercing. I stopped wearing it like four years ago, because almost everybody wore it back then and I always hated being the same as everyone else. I have to change my appearance again and again so I won’t get stuck in some boring image, but now it’s all back. Maybe I have got used to it. I guess it has something to do with Tom. At least, I really hope so.
I put the hair dryer aside and open the cupboard to see what is inside. Cosmetics everywhere, some shaving stuff and a cup with two toothbrushes. It’s starting to look damn good, like there are two people living in this place. I pray in my mind the second person is Tom.
I have a look around the bathroom, but I can’t find any other clues. Everything looks great in here, but it’s so sterile. No mess, the tiles are perfectly clean. There is a blue robe hanging on the rack. I guess it’s mine; I put it on so I won’t get cold, put on the fluffy slippers and open the bathroom door slowly.
The hall is empty. It’s pretty damn large. There are doors everywhere; so now I have to open the right one. One door surely leads out of the flat; there are men’s shoes and several jackets in my size hanging on the clothes-rack.
I peep into the first door carefully and I find myself in a living room. It is awesomely designed, a beautiful leather sofa in the middle, luxurious furniture around and a big French window leading to a garden. I need to see where I am exactly. I slowly remove the curtain but there is nothing out there that could help me, only a big garden full of trees and bushes. I look around the room and my eyes stop on a cabinet by the door. There is a black man’s bag there.
I look inside, I guess it’s mine. I pull out a wallet, open it and… I freeze. There’s a photo of Sabine in there, looking at me peacefully. Fuck, fuck… What have I done to anybody? What the fuck is her photo doing in my wallet? I quickly search for my ID card. I breathe in relief when I find out I’m still single but still, I almost had a heart attack. I just can’t get it. I’m slowly getting worried of what I have done. Seven years is a long time and maybe it didn’t work out with Tom, so Sabine is my girlfriend now. If it turns out to be true, I’m gonna commit suicide, before she kills me…
