„Guys, time to wake up, you´re going to sleep through the whole afternoon,“ she whispers into my ear, her voice making me finally shift in the bed and stretch lazily like a cat. I could sleep for another two good hours, but I have to act like a father who has to wake up his son and take care of the rest of the things for the day. If he slept the entire afternoon, he wouldn’t want to go to bed in the evening. It will take time to adjust to new daily routines but what I started I better carry on with.
I tickle my sleeping angel under his little nose and it´s so funny to watch when he starts to furrow it. He mumbles something under his breath and turns to his other side. Well well, that is definitely something he must have inherited from me. He wakes up first when I tickle his sole, that seems to work. He opens his eyes and suddenly he is full of energy again, just like that. He jumps out of the bed and rushes to the door.
„Wait, we have to get dressed first,“ I shout after him, but before I manage to get out of the bed myself, he´s already gone. I gather his clothes and bring them to the kitchen, where he is sitting in mom´s lap.
„Grandma is taking me for a walk in the forest,“ David informs me. „And grandpa is going with us,“ he adds so that I really know all the details. „But you are not going with us, daddy. A little bug could bite you and make you sick.“ He looks at me with a sweet expression of worry in his eyes. I´m grateful to mom and her clever ways to deal with things. She knows very well my relationship with nature and my distaste for such walks, so she lets me stay at home this time.
Half an hour later the „scouts“ with Scotty close behind them are ready to set out for their outdoorsty adventure. I stand at the iron gate waving at them, then I turn around and walk back to the house. I notice, that while I was turning around, there was a distinct motion behind the curtain in Tom´s room. This time I want to show him that I am aware of him watching me and I blow a kiss in the window’s direction. I also take my cell phone and quickly text him: „I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. YOU WON´T GET RID OF ME :)“
No answer from him this time either, but I’ve already got used to it. I decide to go take a look if our
wooden hut at the end of the garden is still intact. All the trees seem to be a lot higher but that’s probably just because I don´t even remember when it was last time I was in here, the trees must have just grown. I can see already from afar that our old hut is still standing in the same place, between a fence and a big wide-branched walnut tree. Every autumn nuts would fall down on our roof and Tom and I used to shell them and eat them still soft and fresh. My fingers were stained brown for weeks afterwards.
I open gingerly a creaking door and enter this tiny space carefully. The primitive furnishing inside is still the same, three tree stumps; a bigger one as a table and two smaller ones to sit on. There is an old poster hanging on the wall; it was our first real professional photo shooting and the poster has paled with time, looking old, shabby but still beautiful. We were just thirteen on it and we were so proud of it. Spider webs stretch across all four corners and the window is dirty, but there´s enough light to see.
I sit on one of the stumps, my knees coming all the way up under my chin, that’s how small it is. Those were beautiful times, but they are gone. I sit trying to remember how carefree and beautiful everything was when we were still kids.
When I return from the garden to the house half an hour later, I hear some noises coming from the kitchen. The cat must be chasing a mouse that got into the house from outside, that’s my immediate guessing.
I enter the kitchen quietly and I stop dead in my tracks. It is Tom, standing by the kitchen counter, plating some food for his lunch. I can´t move, suddenly being struck by great fear but also love, both at the same time, overflowing my senses. He doesn’t know I am behind him. He must have thought that he was left all by himself in the house and decided to use that moment to go down and grab something to eat.
I feel a tickle at the back of my throat and I can´t do anything to push that uneasy feeling away. My body betrays me and I cough. The moment it happens Tom jerks and turns quickly around. His terrified eyes are flicking, scanning frantically the space between the door and me and I can see that he wants nothing more than to run. When he realizes that I´m blocking his way out of this room, he lets his arms hang down along his body submissively and he sits down heavily on a kitchen chair in defeat.
I move closer, approaching the kitchen counter, taking the plate with food he made ready, putting it into the microwave oven and turning it on. There´s an absolute silence between us for the entire two minutes which it takes to heat up his lunch and before a sharp beeping signal is heard.
Tom´s sitting on the chair, his posture slouching, his head cradled between his hands, the elbows propped against his thighs, the face covered behind the palms of his hands. There’s a whirlwind of thoughts in my head I would like to share with him, but attempting anything of such kind seems to be quite unsuitable right now. I put the plate in front of him on the table, find some cutlery in a drawer and put it next to the plate.
„Enjoy your meal, brother… and remember that I love you,“ I tell him with a hoarse voice and leave the kitchen.
I´m in a state of trance. I lean against the wall in the hall and slide down to the floor. I had to control myself so much not to rush to him and shower him in kisses because I doubt that would sit well with him right now. I can´t rush the things, Tom needs time.
I could notice though how terrible he looked. In only three days his skin got sallow and pale and he also looked much slimmer than before. He had dark circles under his sorrowful eyes and his face emanated desperation and utter heartbreak. It’s obvious he must be suffering and I´m suffering with him. I can feel his pain in my own heart and I wouldn’t want to to do anything more than embracing him tight, whispering my affections to his ear.
I stand up, so he doesn’t find me like this. I stumble to my room and sit down on my bed leaving the door ajar. I need to see him, if only just for a split of a second, I so need to see him, when he goes back to his room, to see a profile of that familiar face, his beautiful hair, tied up into a ponytail. His slim body that has fascinated me for almost all my life and his walk I love so much despite the fact he tends to sway awkwardly from side to side in his big trousers. I love his voice which is deeper than mine, and I love also his singing, the way he accompanies me at concerts. He sings well, but he loves playing his beloved guitar more. I love his long slender fingers strumming those melodies full of emotion and love. I love the expression on his face while he´s playing and sometimes it looks the same as when we´re making love. He is passionate while doing it and this all I love to death about him. Why can´t I have him? Why did he have to push me away, when I need him so?
The stream of my thoughts is cut short when I hear sound of water splashing. He must be taking a shower. I would love to go to him, but I have no doubt in my mind that he locked himself in the bathroom. Back in the kitchen it was so obvious that him having to look me in the eye was causing him too much pain. Maybe I disgust him, maybe he really stopped loving me. Maybe he has finally run out of patience after seven years of having to deal with me. Maybe he has finally had enough. Maybe, maybe, maybe…
What else could possibly have happened between us that I still don´t know? Lately I often have flashes of memories, but it´s mostly just short moments from ordinary life. Nothing vital that could bring me closer to decoding our previous relationship. Once I even started to sing a song that I have never heard before. The lyrics were popping up in my head by themselves, the melody seemed to be more familiar with each note. It is all coming back slowly.
I could have never possibly guessed how hard those fourteen days would be when I was leaving the laboratory. I was naive and I was looking forward just to the beautiful things, but I didn’t realize how much pain I would have to go through. It seems that pain’s presence touches every life, it´s impossible to avoid it.
The sound of shower dies down. I will see him in a moment. Should I say something, should I stop him, should I wait till he comes to me? I don´t know what to do. I’ve told him what I feel numerous times already but he hasn’t said a single word to me yet.
The door of the bathroom slams. All the muscles in my body tense and I´m sitting on the bed as still as a statue. I´m afraid even to blink as I am afraid of missing right moment to catch a short glimpse of him while he passes by on his way back to his room. Each step of his bare feet resonating against the floor feels like in slow-motion to me. He´s coming and I stop breathing, I stop thinking and I´m waiting for that image, the image of him appearing in front of my eyes.
I feel like I’m drugged, my ears start buzzing uncomfortably and I stop seeing clearly, my vision disturbed by flashes of light. I feel strange and that can’t be all right, something is wrong, everything´s slowing down around me. All I can hear now is whistling… a terrible whistling. I´m blinking, trying to clear my vision desperately but the fog in front of me is unpenetrable. I can feel my limbs getting heavy, drained of all blood. I can´t hold my body upright anymore, it is sliding down… Oh my God, what’s happening? I´m collapsing… on… the… ground… and…
Pain… I feel pain… I have a headache… I must have bumped my head… what happened? I must have fainted… oh my God… that happened to me for the first time in my life. I try to open my eyes, but the sharp light hurts.
„Bill, Bill… what happened?“ I can hear that divine voice over me. I must be in heaven. I open my eyes slowly and I can see a pair of terrified, chocolate eyes staring at me. Tom´s eyes. They are so beautiful, that’s all I can perceive right in this moment. These eyes are a source of all the energy I need right now. I must pull myself together.
I try to lift my head but it hurts and everything spins around. I must have hit it against the floor. Finally I manage to pull myself up to an upright position, but I still need to lean against the side of the bed.
Tom is standing over me, his body wrapped in just a towel, loose wet hair snaking down his shoulders, droplets of water running down his bare chest. One drop in particular, heading right to his navel, fascinates me and I watch its track from Tom’s neck all then way down across his chest and to his towel where it disappears being soaked up by it in the end.
I raise my eyes to him and try to smile apologetically. „I must have fallen down… I´m sorry,“ I say. Why am I apologizing to him? What for? That he´s worried about me? But it´s a great news. He could have also left me lying her on the floor and locked himself in his room instead.
„Do you need a hand?“ he asks me but doesn’t wait for my answer, grabbing me under my arms and helping me to sit down on the bed easily. He lifts up my legs and I lay down.
„Thank you… my love,“ I say hesitantly and search his eyes to see a flash of something there, something that could at least vaguely resemble expression of love. Before I manage to take a proper look though, he averts his gaze, turns around and walks away to the door.
„You´re welcome,“ he says shortly and the next thing I hear is a key turning in a key whole of his door. Tom is locking himself in his room again.
Tears start to stream down my face the moment I hear the sound of that damned lock of his door. He doesn’t want me, he is done with me. He did help me when he found me lying on the floor, but that´s it. He helped me as he would help anyone else in the same situation. He didn’t do it out of love for me, but out of duty and obligation. Brotherly duty.
Why does it hurt so much? I can´t stand it, that pain is gripping my chest and forces me to sob loudly. I sink my head into the pillow so that he wouldn’t hear me. I don´t want him to know how terrible I feel right now. He will never know how it torments me and I won’t allow myself to show it to him. I have some pride left in me after all, beside that desperate love. I won´t humiliate myself or show my weakness if he chooses to be so cruel. If he doesn´t want me anymore, then I won´t bother him either. I’ll stop the messages, I´ll stop texting him. I won´t tell him how I feel about him ever again, because he doesn’t feel anything anymore…
