The Original Letter (eng.)

author: Ruavi

„You are joking… right? You can’t publish this Bill, they would eat us alive,“ laughed Tom as he flicked few pages of paper in my lap. „I thought we were meant to be honest about it? Are you ashamed of us?“ I asked as if it wasn’t obvious to me what he said. Letter about love. True love. I pick up the papers, reading those lines over and over. I know what he meant. The biggest question our fans want to know. Does twincest exists? Oh yes. It does.

Tom took the papers again and with his head shaking in disbelief he sat next to me, reading what I wrote about love. About me and about him. About… us.

„So, here I am. Sitting in my bed and writing about love. I always dreamt about the big love, relationship with capital R on the beginning. Ever since I was a child in our humble little village Loitsche, I was consumed by the idea of love, I wanted it badly and desperately. People always thought of me as the naive virgin, who never had his heart broken, never had serious long lasting relationship with anyone. Never had sex. But oh, is it true?

The image our manager gave us was simple. Gustav: the quiet one, Georg: the goofy one, Tom: the playboy, and me: virgin. No one except my brother Tom ever knew that I did experience all of the above. Love, sex, relationship, even the heartbreak. Yes, with all of these things I started after me and Tom moved into LA because honestly, in Europe I didn’t get a chance to even peek out my own window. Imagine how hard it would be go out and meet that one person, who is not after my fame and money.

In US I finally started to live my own life without paparazzi behind every corner and security all around me. I have found love; and not just once. First person was a guy, a man a bit older than me, Scott. I met him one evening in a bar, he bought me a drink, we talked and laughed and even kissed goodbye. I was very excited about meeting him again and of course I told Tom about him first thing in the morning when he woke up. Me and Scott went on couple of dates before we decided to spend weekend together alone in his house. The funny stories about loosing your virginity made me thinking how wonderful and painless it would be. It wasn’t. It was one time only experience, yes, but I wish I saved it for someone who really deserve it. Scott lied to me a lot and cheated as well, everyone was telling me that I should put my hands away. I refused to listen, still wearing the heart shaped glasses. The day I finally saw him for who he really was, was when he introduced me to his wife and boyfriend. Yes, the guy had two wives and a boyfriend. Ladies lived together but didn’t know about his boyfriend or me, same as I didn’t know about them. Even considering the relationship between us was short, it still managed to leave a scat on my heart and took a piece of my soul.

Tom really supported me in that time, constantly trying to cheer me up with gifts. Chocolates, vine, jewellery and as well the fluffy little snoring ball I named Pumba. I love this dog as if he was my baby but it wasn’t always like that. Even that cute puppy couldn’t take me out of the deep hole of depression and I started to use him as bait. Whenever I took him out alone without Tom and his Cali, I went up hills into the little forest where young kids do drugs and have sex. Pumba as a puppy was adored by plenty of guys (and girls as well, but they weren’t really my cup of tea) who were more than willing to jump into my bed and take me. But even then no one could fill the void in me, no matter how many hours of touching, kissing and fucking we spend together. I finally opened my eyes when one of my regular bed-friends took me unwillingly right I the forest and left me in the dark. When Tom found me, I finally realised that I don’t need any stranger to be my love. Tom is my love.

My Tom. Many times we got questions about our relationship, many times we signed naughty drawings and photomanipulations during meet’n’greet. But I always laughed about it, mostly because just the idea of incest was making me feel uncomfortable and it just seemed to me so absurd that us… Like „as if“. But there it was, growing inside me like a fire, burning desire to be his. Tom, who have always been supportive of my life and my choices in it. Tom, who could bring a smile on my lips in the gloomiest days. Tom, who could draw sweet noises from me as he touched my body.

Few weeks after the unwanted sex with a stranger in the woods I didn’t want to leave my room and even my dear Tom was unable to persuade me to go out and at least walk in the house. I felt ashamed and I thought that I deserved the rape; like it was some sort of punishment for my reckless behaviour after the break up with Scott. It took me 26 days until I finally stepped out of my room. My immediate need was to go to Tom’s room and curl up in his lap, falling asleep on his chest, with his heartbeat as a lullaby. We did this since we were small; I got scared, storm, our parents yelling, empty house. Every time Tom was prepared with his arms open, willing to give me the feeling of safety and happiness. But this Time Tom wasn’t in his room waiting for me. He was laughing next to the pool with a woman, young Asian girl Ria. I was never jealous of her as she was jealous of me, always angry at Tom when he put main front of her. Of course I was always a bit selfish, needing my big brother was driving her crazy and I must admit that even I’m bit ashamed saying it- I loved it. I enjoyed these times when I could just move a finger and do sad eyes and Tom more than happily run to me.

„Tom… I need you.“ I remember saying at the pool side but he merely flinched. As I stood there I saw a shiny sparkle on Ria’s left hand when she brushed her hair over the ear. Under Tom’s seat was an open velvet jewellery box. I don’t even remember how I got into his room. Maybe I ran, maybe I stumbled across the house for hours. It was merely midnight when I finally realized there is darkness behind window and no voices on the pool side.

Light numbers on the alarm clock standing on bedside table showed 11:47pm when I heard banging of the front door and rustling stones on our driveway. My face was still buried in his pillow when Tom came to the room.

„Can I turn the lights on?“ He asked in a rough yet whispering voice. „Please don’t. I’ve been crying…“ I said. Clearly I remember the sound of his door closing, clothes falling on the floor and a soft thump as he layed next to me. „We broke up.“ He said after few minutes of silence. „I proposed, she said yes and took the ring.“ I was very confused because Tom stopped his speech and gently hugged me, as if he was the small brother now, the one who needs comforting. „She wanted me to move out and live with her. I couldn’t do that.“ He mumbled and wrapped his arms around me tighter. In that moment my depression was gone and I would even sing if he wasn’t so sad. Uh, I felt tactless.

„Tomi.“ I whispered softly and cuddled him some more. „Thank you… for being my brother and my best friend. I don’t even know what I would do if you weren’t here beside me.“

„Perhaps you’d be still sniffing my pillow.“ He chuckled. I couldn’t stop the smile forming on my lips. We fell asleep together and I finally felt really and deeply loved.

Since that day I crept under the veil of night into his bed, longingly reaching his arms and the comfort he gave me. It didn’t take him long to finally realise why I am so needy for his touch. He knew it before I did. I fell in love. And not even second later on, so did he.

„I’m scared of the storm Tomi.“ I knocked on his door one night. Behind the windows all hell broke loose and our garden chairs with gazebo were destroyed by powerful wind. House without electricity was awfully quiet and scary. I crawled into his bed without spoken permission of his, trying to find a comfy position but as I wiggled and shifted I realised something hard poking my hip.

„I guess it’s a bit late to tell you No…“ He whispered as he pulled his hand from under the blanket. The weirdest thing about all this wasn’t any uncomfortable silence or awkward talk but the fact that it felt completely normal, natural and even a little bit arousing.

„Yeah I guess.“ I sighed.

„Come here.“ Tom said as he pulled me softly onto his chest, still rising and dropping from heavy breaths.

We lied quietly for some time without sleeping and just listened to each others heartbeat. Finally it was me who broke the silence in the room when I shifted and looked into his face. „I wouldn’t mind finishing it for you. All guys said I’m quite skilful in the blowjob area.“ In that moment when he looked into my eyes I realised that he Knew.

Tom gently stroked my cheek and pulled the blanket off him, showing me the beauty of his body. We were always same and yet different in so many ways. I remember the softness of his skin, the light scruff between his legs and the hotness I felt when I first touched him. And when he first kissed me it felt like heaven.

Tom didn’t talk to me for eight days after that night; he stayed in his room all day, leaving only for shower or food, sulking. I knew I had to give him time to think. Tom always needed to think things through.

But then he came, he came to me after those eight days, sneaking into my bed as I used to do.

„I love you.“ He whispered into my ear, so softly and lovingly.

—-

„It wasn’t soft and loving and you know that.“ Laughed Tom as he paused his reading and looked at me.

„I know… you growled into my ear like a tiger.“ Gently I put few kisses on his cheek. „Please read the rest Tomi.“

—-

It was the first time we made love and for me, it felt like I was virgin again. Virgin for my true love, the only person in the world I shouldn’t have and yet, he’s mine. We keep our relationship in secret even that he tells me every how much he wants to shout it aloud so the whole world can hear him. I love you night, Tom. You are my true love. With you I know that love can be found in the strangest places with people we would never consider as potential partners and lovers. True loves exists.

—-

„I still want to tell everyone how much I love you. So much.“ Tom whispered.

author: Ruavi