The said boy turned around and gave a shaky smile to Dean, who was leaning against the wall beside his case. He only nodded, closed the iron doors and went after him, ignoring the hateful glares other students were giving him. The two of them went to the boys toilets where, as Dean made sure of, there wasn’t any other students. Tom tried calm down a bit; he wasn’t sure why they were there.
„So…“
„So,“ repeated Tom and he leaned against the wall. „What do you need, Dean?“
The other boy was watching him for a while, curiously. „First of all, tell me what happened to your face?“
„Uhm,“ Tom rubbed the back side of his neck. Should he tell the truth? „I just had a fight with my father.“
„Seriously? Your father trashed you like this?“
„Yeah, it’s nothing… why are we here, Dean? What do you want?“
The other boy watched Tom for a while, then sighed. „You said that the story about Bill Kaulitz is true, right?“
„Well, I…“ Tom tried to find an excuse, but Dean was faster.
„Don’t try to deny it, Tom. I saw you two yesterday.“
„You what? When?!“
A smirk became visible on Dean’s lips. „So I’m right, that dude was Kaulitz, right? That one I saw on the cliff in the afternoon and with you later at night.“
„I…“ Tom didn’t know what to do, what to say. Bill told him that he couldn’t say anything, but Dean knew. He knew.
„Hey, don’t worry, I just want to know if he’s real or not.“
„He is,“ breathed Tom out and sat down on the floor. „Maybe too real.“
„How come only us two can see him?“ Dean sat against him, a stern expression on his face. „I mean, Georg or the others haven’t seen him, just you and me. How is it possible when he’s a ghost?“
„So what is he?“
„Well… okay, I don’t know. He said he’s not a ghost. He’s… I guess he’s just a soul living out there, you know? He told me about the place he’s living at and… yeah.“
Tom drew his knees up to his chest and hugged them with his arms. Okay, so Dean knew, and Tom didn’t do anything wrong by telling him the truth, right? He knew it anyway. The dread-head was so confused, so scared…
„Don’t tell anyone, please.“
„What? I won’t! I’m not stupid, Tom! First, they won’t believe me and second, I have no intention of telling. It’s just me and you, don’t worry.“
„Thanks.“ The relief was obvious on the dread-head’s face.
Dean smiled and with the tip of his shoe, lightly kicked Tom’s. „You’re welcome, now tell me… what the hell?! You two were kissing?!“
Tom’s cheeks got red, so he hid his face in his hands and made some unidentifiable sound. Dean laughed again. „You were kissing him! He’s what… your boyfriend or something?“ teased Dean again.
„Stoooop,“ whined Tom and the other boy laughed. „I don’t know if he’s my boyfriend,“ mumbled Tom.
„Okay but… he’s dead, right? How can you two be together? How can you touch him, kiss him?“
Tom sighed. Dean was asking the same questions as Tom was, but he didn’t know the answers. He didn’t know how it was possible that he could see Bill, touch him. And to be honest, he didn’t care as long as it was possible, no matter what caused it.
„I don’t know, Dean. Neither does Bill, it’s just… I simply can.“ The dread-head shrugged and closed his eyes. „I could see him on the first day we came here. We talked and… then I simply could touch him, smell his scent and everything. I could kiss him,“ Tom ended with a low voice. He didn’t dare to look Dean in the eyes; he didn’t want to see the hate that was there for sure. It was always there when someone found out that Tom was gay.
„It’s okay, Tom, I’m not gonna judge you.“ This simply sentence made the younger boy look up.
„You…“
„Oh man, no!“ squeaked Dean and laughed. „I’m pretty much into girls, thanks a lot! But our cousin is gay, too, so it’s okay with us. Me and Georg are pretty much tolerant you know?“
Tom didn’t say anything; he only nodded and gave a small smile.
„Now tell me… what are you planning to do. You love him, right?“
„Well…“ Tom wanted to deny it, but why? He did love Bill and he wasn’t ashamed of it. „I do, but what do you mean, what I’m planning to do with what?“
Dean smiled. „It’s simple, he’s dead and you’re alive. So what are you gonna do to be with him?“
„I…“ The dread head paused. Actually, he hadn’t though about it before. What was he gonna do about it? When he asked Bill about souls that committed suicide, it was just a question, but he really hadn’t thought about the way he could be with his lover. It wasn’t needed.
He inhaled and was about to say something when the bell went off. Tom jerked up and hurriedly stood. „I have to go, I’m already late for math class. See ya later, Dean.“ Without a spare glance to his friend, Tom ran out of bathroom and to his class.
‚What am I gonna do?‘
==========
Two days later, saturday. Current state: Tom’s mother with Docter Gordon in the garden. Tom? Hidden in his room, in his bed with a blanket over his head.
Two days passed by and he wasn’t able to go out and see Bill. On thursday, he excused himself with a lot of homework and Bill wished him good luck with it. Tom felt horrible for lying to him. On friday Tom’s mother wanted him to go out with her and Gordon because Jörg was in the house, packing his belongings. And Tom gladly obliged.
Tom was cowardly hiding in his bed, where Bill couldn’t go up for him. He knew wasn’t fair to the raven-haired boy, but he was too afraid to go out. The last two days, Tom spent the time thinking what he and Dean talked about. His friend put something in dread-head’s mind and Tom wanted it out. He didn’t want to think of ways he could possibly kill himself without any help. He didn’t want to think about ways how he could be with Bill for eternity.
Yet it was all he was able to think about.
His head hurt, his stomach ached and Tom’s heart was like a pounding iron. He felt so weak; the boy wasn’t able to get up from bed in the morning. Everything was just too much for him. It was only one week ago that he found out about Bill’s original existence. It had been only five days since he had kissed Bill. Only three days ago he fought with his father and realized that he was in love with Bill. It was only two days ago he started thinking about his death…
Another hour passed by, it was already lunchtime and Tom needed to use the bathroom. It took him a lot of strength to get up and go to the next room. When he, after few minutes, came back, he was ready to fall down on the bed again, when he saw a certain person sadly sitting on the cliff.
Tom’s heart clenched at the view. It was so unfair to Bill; he was so selfish hiding in the house. It wasn’t Bill’s fault that all the events from last week finally hit him. If nothing else, Bill was there for him all that time, helping him. And Tom was so unfair to him.
Even if his whole body ached, Tom found something to wear and ran downstairs where, in the kitchen, his mother was preparing their meal.
„Hi, sweetheart. Are you feeling better?“
„Uhm, hi mom. Yeah, actually, a lot better. I’m going on the beach, alright?“
„Tom, the lunch is ready, can’t it wait?“
Tom fiercely shook his head. „I have to go right now, mom.“
„Hello, Tom,“ smiled Gordon, who just came into the room. Tom only nodded at him and as soon as his mother was distracted with a kiss, he just disappeared.
Slowly, without hurry, the dread-head went down to the beach. He didn’t want to risk his mother looking out for him on the cliff and catching him talking to Bill. The closer to the beach he got, the more he felt someone’s eyes on him. However, Tom didn’t look around; he didn’t try to find Bill. He was sure Bill would be by his side as soon as he stopped somewhere. And he was right.
„What’s been wrong with you?“
„Hi, Billie.“
„Tom, answer my question. I was worried about you!“
The elder teenager sighed and sat down on the sand. He drew his knees up, hugged them and put his chin down on them. „I was at home, Bill. I was… thinking.“
„Thinking about what?“ The other boy sat down right beside him, his hand immediately looking for Tom’s.
The dread-head smiled when he felt those soft fingers around his own. In that moment, he knew he would have to do something to be with Bill for eternity. This way, one alive, one dead, they couldn’t exist for a long time. He would have to do something.
„About everything and nothing,“ he finally said and smiled at his lover. „I’m sorry, I just needed some time alone.“
The other boy watched him for a brief moment before he leaned closer and lightly kissed his still bruised cheek. „It’s okay, I was just worried about you.“
„I’m sorry. I won’t do it ever again,“ whispered Tom and finally pulled Bill into a tight embrace. Deeply, he inhaled Bill’s scent and as soon as Bill’s tiny arms were safely around him, Tom felt as if he had just found his home, his place. „I love you.“
Bill smiled and kissed Tom’s ear. „I love you, too.“
They didn’t say anything else, just sat there, hugging each other, lost in their own thoughts; in Tom’s case, really dangerous ones.
==========
„I want you to meet Bill.“
„What?“
Tom grinned. „You heard me, I want you to meet Bill. You’ve known about his existence for how long now, three weeks? And he knows you know, so what, I want you two to meet.“
„Tom,“ the boy with light brown, and today spiky hair, shook his head, „do you really think it’s a good idea? I mean… sure it would be cool to get to know a dead boy but… seriously?“
The dread-headed teenager sighed and drank some of his coke. He frowned and kicked a small stone before him. He and Dean were in the town together; the elder teen finally showing Tom around after four and a half months here. Tom had a good time, he and Dean really got along together and he tried to separate his free time to Bill and his new friend. Of course, he was seeing his other friends too, but they were on holiday, so they had their own plans. And besides that, Dean was Tom’s favorite.
„I’m serious… you heard almost everything about him, and so did he about you. Billie promised me it would be okay if brought you along. So, are you up for meeting my… boyfriend?“ Tom asked and with a last word, his cheeks got a really dark red color. He still wasn’t used to it, calling Bill his boyfriend. It was new to him.
„Uhm, well, then I guess I wanna meet him.“
Tom glanced up at his friend and grinned. „Okay, c’mon.“ He grabbed his hand and tugged him as quickly as possible back to the sea, to his home, the cliff.
==========
„You sure he’s here?“
„He’s always here.“ Tom looked around and frowned. „Billie, where are you?“ He was getting nervous; they’d been there for fifteen minutes and Bill still hadn’t shown up. It wasn’t like him; every time Tom’s shoes touched the cliff or the beach, he was there. But today, nothing.
„Maybe I should go.“
„No! No, he’s here, I can feel him but I don’t know why he’s hiding.“
Frustrated, Tom sat onto the sand and threw one bigger stone into the distance. He was so looking forward to seeing Bill again, and the boy didn’t show up, even if Tom knew he was somewhere near. Was it because of Dean? But why? Bill himself told him it’s okay if he brought him along, so what was wrong now?
„Hey, I think he’s there.“
„Huh?“ Tom glanced up at Dean, who was pointing at something in the distance. A shadow was lying in the sand, maybe a silhouette. Tom narrowed his eyes and focused on the object; it was a person. The certain person they were waiting for.
„It’s Bill!“ yelped Tom and in the blink of an eye, he was running to the body. It was motionless and the closer Tom got, the more his heart was worriedly pounding. It was Bill and something happened to him. His Billie was hurt.
„Billie! Billie, do you hear me?!“ He landed on his knees right beside the raven-haired’s head, and brushed away a few hairs that fell into his face. „Billie, Billie, love, talk to me, do you hear me?“ His voice was shaking with worry. What happened to his love? Why wasn’t Bill responding?
„What- what happ-end?“ breathed out Dean as he reached the two teenagers, and was trying to catch his breath. „Is he alright?“
„I… I don’t know!“ squeaked Tom and his eyes started filling up with tears. „Dean! Do something, he’s not breathing!“ Tom whined again and was lightly shaking with Bill’s unmoving body. „Dean?!“ His big brown eyes stuck to Dean’s blue ones and the boy could feel Tom’s desperation.
„I… I don’t know what! I have no fucking idea what we should do, Tom!“
„I don’t care what, just do something! Please, Dean! He’s… he’s not breathing, he’s… Billie, Billie please!“ Tom’s words were obscure, but he couldn’t care less. He was too worried to care.
Just when Dean was about to touch the motionless body lying in front of him, he inhaled deeply.
„Bill! Bill, do you hear me? Please love, talk to me!“
It wasn’t a full-word answer, but Bill did make a sound that showed the other two he was alive. Tom didn’t need anything more; he started crying out of relief and fear, and tightly hugged his lover. He was pressing his weak body against his own, whispering into Bill’s ear and kissing him all over.
Dean was standing nearby, watching the scene in front of him. The boy had no idea what just happened, but the emotions hanging in the air were too much even for him. Without him realizing it, his own cheeks got wet.
„Tomi,“ whispered Bill in hoarse voice and tried to say something more, but was silenced by Tom’s lips, desperately kissing him. Bill didn’t cooperate, neither did he pull away. He was just lying there, barely breathing.
„Ssh, don’t worry; everything’s gonna be alright, Billie. Don’t talk, you have to rest.“
„H-he,“ Bill’s weak voice was barely heard, still Tom caught him.
„Dean what? What is it, Bill?“
„Needs… out… can’t bre-ath.“
Tom glanced up at Dean and he didn’t even have to say a word. The boy just nodded and walked off. He didn’t understand it but if he was the reason for Bill’s state, he wasn’t going to ask questions; at least not now. Tom was still holding Bill’s weak body, kissing his cheeks and repeating how much he loved him over and over again. It took some time after Dean left until Bill was finally strong enough to sit up, of course with a little help of Tom.
„What happened, Billie?“ The dread-head was worriedly stroking Bill’s cheeks, a never-fading fear still in his eyes. „I though you were dead!“
„I am dead, Tomi.“
„Oh c’mon, you know what I mean! What happened? Why couldn’t you breathe?“
„It’s… it’s complicated.“
„Well than, it’s great I’m a smart kid. Tell me, Bill.“
Bill laughed a little and lay his head down onto Tom’s lap. The dread-headed teenager immediately started playing with his long, smooth hair, attentively looking the other in the eyes.
„You know there are rules, right? I told you about some.“
„Yeah,“ nodded Tom, „about souls, Heaven and Hell, about… well, you just told me about those,“ frowned Tom and Bill laughed again.
„There are many other rules, for example, the rule that disallows you to love me.“
„What?“
Bill sighed and closed his eyes. „In my world, I mean here, when more souls are at one place, they can love each other. When they are alone, well, then their existence is convicted for eternal loneliness, as I am. But for some reason, you can see me, you and Dean to be exact, and it’s not a common thing. People usually can’t see us souls.“
Bill glanced up at Tom, to make sure his lover understood. Tom only nodded, his face narrowed with focus. Bill smiled and stroked his cheek.
„So… we, actually, only you ‚cause I can fall in love with whoever I want, are breaking our rules, people are not supposed to love souls, at least not dead souls. But you’re in love with me and so my existence here is more and more difficult. It’s not like I would disappear or something, it’s just really painful to be here with you. But I don’t complain!“ Bill added immediately when he saw a shadow of hurt on Tom’s face. „I don’t care how much it hurts as long as I can be with you.“
„I don’t want to be the reason for your pain.“
„Tomi,“ Bill sat up slowly and caught Tom’s face in his hands. „I love you, you can’t be the reason for my pain when you’re the reason for my living.“ The dread-head blinked and then gave a small smile.
„I love you too, you know?“
Bill laughed and connected their lips in a brief, light kiss. „May I continue?“ Tom only nodded. „Well, so it’s hard for me to be here just with you, when Dean came here with you, it was just too much for me to handle. I tried to fight it, but…“
„It’s okay,“ whispered Tom and quickly stole Bill one kiss. „He won’t come here ever again. None of my friends will.“
„No, you don’t have to-“
„I want… you’re the most important person in my life, Bill. I would do anything for you.“
The raven-haired boy tried to hide his painful expression; he knew Tom would do anything for him, but Bill couldn’t do anything in return.
„Come here,“ mumbled Tom and pulled Bill so close it wasn’t recognizable who’s legs are who’s. They weren’t talking, they weren’t kissing. The two of them just enjoyed the closeness of one another, trying to gain as much power of their love as possible. For Tom it was unbearable, knowing that Bill was hurting while being with him.
That was the moment Tom decided he had to do anything to be with Bill on his side, in his world.
Nez tuto povidku zacnu komentovat naostro, muzu se priblble zeptat, proc ji Denie publikuje na twcblogu, kdyz je pouze ve te anglictine a ne na THF, kde by mela zarucene vetsi odezvu?
[1]: Na THF už dávno je, jen ji chtěla mít i tady. :o) J.
[2]:Tak pardon, to jsem netusila, myslela jsem, ze tato povidka je neco uplne noveho.