As we look at Davey, Mandy approaches the little boy and kneels down to him. She talks to him for a while, then she stands up and offers him her hand as a gesture for him to follow her.
Davey shakes his head vigorously couple of times, disapproving her attempts, then his little nose bores even deeper into the teddy´s furry belly. Mandy tries talking to him some more, but in the end she gives up and returns back to us.
„It looks like you will have to go and get him by yourself, Bill, he doesn’t want to believe that his daddy is here, waiting for him. He simply doesn’t want to go with me. I wouldn’t want to apply any force on him so it might be easier if you just go there and he sees you,“ Mandy suggests softly with a smile.
„Well, until today, I’ve been just uncle Bill to him, so maybe that´s why,“ I smile back at her as I start moving, going to get my son. I stop at the door of the play room, bracing myself for the next step, taking a deep breath, reaching for a door handle. I feel as if I was going for an important interview and it’s outcome is going to influence the rest of my life.
I enter the play room carefully and stop. The children are all over the place, nurses sitting and watching all the commotion happening around, and I am suddenly frozen to the floor. Then, the previously noisy room quites down and most of the eyes are set on me.
„Yaaay,“ a cheerful squeak can be heard and it’s coming from a corner of the room where just a while ago the little blond girl named Terry was playing fully absorbed in the game. „Uncle,“ she shouts and runs towards me happily. She jumps into my arms and throw her arms around my neck. „You came to play?“ she asks me with big curious eyes as I put her back down on the floor.
„Not today, Terry, maybe some other time, okay? Today I am here to get someone, you know?“ I talk to her but at the same time I try to speak as aloud as needed so that everyone can hear me properly, especially one very important little boy, whose brown eyes are directed to me right now.
„I see, that´s a pity,“ Terry says, sadness coloring her voice and she lets go off me.
I take a deep look into David´s eyes and smile at him. Finally my legs start moving again and I walk over to him. He´s watching me the whole time, his eyes transfixing my every move and when I finally kneel down in front of him taking his hand in mine, he smiles at me.
„Hi, Davey.“
„Hello, Bill,“ he greets me.
„Would you like to go home with me now?“ I ask him and I finally see a happy smile spreading also to his bright eyes. He nods and without a word he slides down from his little chair. Now I have his little shiny face right in front of my eyes.
„You spoke to Miss Director and asked her to give me to you?“ he asks to be sure.
„Yes,“ I did “ I answer him. „Can I be your daddy from now on?“ I ask gently, warming him up to the whole idea but he is already attacking me, throwing himself at me, wrapping his arms around my neck so tightly that he almost knocks me over. I manage to keep my balance as I press his little body against my chest.
„Come on then, let’s go home daddy.“ He lets go off my neck and beckon me, when he sees that I´m still kneeling down. Tears of happiness rush into my eyes when I realize that he just called me daddy for the first time.
„Yeah… let’s go,“ I reply, slowly standing up and we walk to the door together. I wipe my tears and turn my eyes to the glass of the window behind which Mandy with mom are watching us the whole time. I flash them a smile of victory because it looks like I have just won. At the door I turn back to look at Terry’s surprised face and wave at her our good byes.
When we exit the play room, Mandy is already awaiting us behind the door, a huge bag that belongs to Davey being packed and ready to take with us home at her feet, and mom standing behind her.
I take my son into my arms. „I will introduce you to someone, okay?“ I point at mom and take two steps towards her.
„David, this is your new grandma. Mom, this is my son David,“ I introduce those two officially.
„Hi, Davey,“ my mom says in soothing voice, stroking gently his little hand, being careful not to scare him.
He jerks just a little bit, but when he sees me smiling at him encouragingly, he offers his hand to mom, as he´s used to do with me. Mom doesn’t hesitate and accepts his little hand. She smiles at him, her smile being so bright that David can’t resist, smiling right back at her. „You were right,“ mom gasps in surprise. „He looks exactly like Tom, when he was David’s age.“
Camera flashes blind us the very moment we exit Ladybird’s doors but I´m mentally prepared, covering Davey´s head with hood of his little jacket, sheltering him from reporters‘ assaults. He leans in, resting his head on my shoulder trustingly. Journalists are shouting, their endless questions bombarding us, but I ignore them, walking swiftly to my car, carrying my son.
I fasten David into a safety seat, walk around the car and get into it. The moment I close the door, we´re protected by tinted glass and no one can get to us anymore. Mom sits in a driver’s seat, she starts the car and we´re off.
„Where do you live?“ David asks me right away.
„I live in the city, in a big house with a garden. You will like it there, you will see. There is a room in the house I made ready for you. There are toys in it waiting for you too,“ I inform him.
„But I have my teddy,“ he lifts his yellow-red soft toy under my nose to show me. The toy looks like David haven’t let it out of his hands since the moment he got from me.
„It´s pretty dirty Davey, we have to give him a bath when he get home,“ I smile warmly.
„But he is afraid of water,“ David objects with a serious face and presses the teddy tightly to his chest to protect it.
„If he´s that afraid, he can take a bath with you then. What do you say? If you look after him, he surely won´t be afraid.“ I suggest cautiously trying to save the situation.
He stares at me seriously for a while and then he nods in agreement.
Phew. I’m glad the first disagreement between him and me is behind us. First now I´m starting to fully realize that I took on a role I have never tried before and I will definitely need to learn a lot.
„Here we are, we´re at home Davey,“ I unfasten David from the seat as mom drives into the garage. I get out and then also help him.
He looks around the garage with curiosity. „You live here?“ he asks and me and my mom start to laugh.
„No, that’s a place for these two cars.“ I point at our darling automobiles and take Davey´s hand. „Come on, I will show you something.“
By the door I decide to take a precautious step and I lift him up into my arms, when I hear the impatient barking of Scotty coming from behind the door. I hope they become friends soon, not being scared of each other. Before I open the door, I try to explain to him what´s waiting in there.
„Do you hear that barking?“ I ask.
He nods.
„It´s a doggy… well, actually it´s quite a big dog. His name is Scotty and he´s very nice. Have you ever petted a doggy before?“ He shakes his head and looks at me terrified.
„Don´t worry, he won´t bite, he is a really kind dog,“ I calm him down while unlocking the door.
„Scotty, sit!“ I give a command to our dog and I hope that he hasn’t forgotten the drill. It works immediately and the dog is sitting as though he’s glued to the floor. I’m relieved Scotty didn’t try his usual wild welcome routine which would certainly scare the wits out of little Davey.
„Down!“ I command again to make Scotty appear even smaller, and I put carefully David in front of him. „Don´t worry,“ I whisper, taking his little hand in mine and we stroke Scotty´s head together. Scotty stays put and watches the new house-mate with big eyes. Davey seems to be comfortable and starts slowly petting Scotty’s back by himself. After a while I pick up my son again and let Scotty move freely. Davey stares at the animal wide-eyed, watching the dog standing up and soon after running back to the kitchen, where his place is.
I am happy to see that my little boy is more than content also with his new room. He goes through his toys for a minute and then he wants to test the bed. He places his teddy bear on the pillow and then he lays down next to it.
„Is it all right?“ I want to find out if it’s comfortable.
„Yeah, it is nice,“ he answers contently and yawns.
Everything in David’s room still smells of new furnishing and fresh paint. I open a window to let some fresh air in realizing that it started to rain and the sky is covered by dark clouds. I look out at the garden and a sudden stream of painful memories of Tom wash over me. Why isn’t he here with me right now? Why did he have to leave me at times, when I needed him the most? Oh Tom, come back, I love you and I can´t live without you. I can´t be happy if you aren’t here with me…
I turn back to look at Davey finding him deep asleep in his bed. All the happenings must have exhausted him. I pull a blanket over him and I go to see where my mom is, leaving the door to David’s room open.
When I am washing my hands in the bathroom, I suddenly realize that today it´s been exactly one week since I’ve appeared in front of this mirror. So much has happened, so many things have changed and in such a short time, it’s almost unreal. My whole life is upside down. I have… or better said, I did have my dream lover and suddenly I´m a dad. Who is lucky enough to score both things in one week?
„So, what do you think about him?“ I ask my mom, who is sitting submerged in deep thoughts in the kitchen, drinking her coffee.
„He´s amazing, so sweet and nice… just exactly like you. After he gets used to everything, all the changes and stuff, you both are going to have a marvelous time together.“ Mom smiles at me reassuringly. „Do you think that he remembers Karin?“ she asks me.
„I don’t think so. They took him from her when he was only two years old and even before that he used to spend a lot of time at their neighbour’s. Mandy told me that he had never mentioned her. Sabine promised she would send me some photos of Karin so that David would have at least some memory of her, but as for now, I am not planning on talking about her yet. One day when he asks me, I will tell him of course, who she was, what she was like, but I am not going to black paint her either. Without her, he wouldn’t be here, would he…?“
I think about my feelings towards Karin. The old Bill must have hated her. He had to live with it all, with his guilt, with constant fear, with resentment. I still have no idea about a lot of things that had happened back then, but despite all of this I won’t be probably ever able to start hating her. I´m just an unbiased observer, who by chance walked in into a life of another human being and sees the things from the outside. Without Karin´s deceit, I wouldn’t have Davey today and that would be a pity.
A few times I go and check on Davey to make sure he wouldn’t wake up all alone in unfamiliar surroundings, but he´s still asleep. Should I let him sleep or should I wake him up? What if he won´t sleep at night then? Damn, I should definitely buy some parenting books. When my mom leaves, I won´t have an experienced mother by my side giving me her much needed advices.
„TODAY IT´S BEEN ONE WEEK. DON´T PUNISH ME FOR SOMETHING HE DID. I LOVE YOU, YOUR BILL,“ I write and send another next message to my brother. I would love to know if he reads my messages, but unless he responds to them, I won´t know.
„Mom, what do you say if we went home with you tomorrow?“ I ask her.
„Do you think that it´s a good idea?“ she answers me with another question, but when she sees in my eyes that I’ve already decided, she doesn’t object. I need to see him, I can´t do anything from a distance. He has to see that I still want him and I am ready to fight for him. I can´t wait to see his beloved face, even if he was to push me down the stairs in rage, I don’t care. I love him and I won´t give up. I will fight for my love until my last breath.
