Space-Time Story 25.

„Ooouuuch, it huuurts,“ Tom whimpers miserably as he wakes up and holds his head in his hands.

„Well… well, dear bro, you shouldn’t have drunk so much then,“ I tell him gleefully, but at the same time I am already plastering a wet cold towel on his forehead and handing him a painkiller for his hangover.

„It would be best if you slept some more,“ I scold my drunken brother and pull the blanket all the way up to his chin. „I go for a walk with Scotty and then I do some grocery shopping, so you just stay in here and try to get some sleep, the magic pill should kick in soon,“ I preach to him like a mother and pull the heavy dark window drapes shut. The room is plunged in cool shadow and I hope that he would fall asleep soon again. I give him a kiss and leave him to rest.

Scotty is already waiting for me at the door impatiently, so I just put on a jacket and slip into my shoes and then we head for the park. We have to be quick today, because I still have a lot of important things to do.

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I buy some fresh buns and a loaf of bread for breakfast, I also add to my shopping some butter and milk since we ran out of it yesterday; I don’t want Sabine to start complaining about empty fridge again. I do not need to worry about today’s lunch, Tom won´t have any appetite until tomorrow anyways and I can stop at a gas station on the way back home. There won´t be any spare time for cooking.

I unlock the door of my flat as Sabine walks out of the bathroom. „Hi,“ she sounds surprised. „You´re already awake?“

„Yep, the drunk face woke me up with all the fussing,“ I complain and take the morning shopping to the kitchen. „Do you want anything for breakfast?“ I ask Sab when she follows me.

„You been shopping? No way… I take it as a luxury… You have never done such a thing for the entire two years I have been here“ Sab plops down on the chair, her mouth gaping in surprise.

„You know, it had to happen one day. Coffee, tea, hot chocolate?“ I ask her while pouring some water into a kettle.

„Coffee of course, that´s the only thing I can’t live without in the morning,“ Sabine „places her order“ and I pour us shortly after two cups. I put one in front of her and the second one is soon enriched with three spoons of sugar and some milk. I stir slowly my morning revitalizer.

„How can you drink it so sweet?“ Sabine shakes her head, sipping tentatively her black coffee.

„How can you drink it so bitter?“ I challenge and soon we are both laughing. I wolf down three white wheat rolls with butter and honey to even further add to all that sweetness, meanwhile I watch Sabine as she nibbles on a roll with nothing on it.

„Why don´t you spread something on it?“ I ask naively.

„Huh, you think that everyone can pig-out like you do?“ She points at the jar of honey and the opened package of butter sitting on the kitchen table in front of me. „I have to make sure I stay slim. You can eat a whole pig and a sack of potatoes and you will still stay rat-ass slim like this. I only wish I could enjoy some real butter and honey on a piece of bread.“ She gets a dreamy look when she bites into her dry roll.

„I don’t get it.“ I shake my head in disbelief and pet my full belly. „I would starve on lousy dry rolls.“

As a pay-back for making her breakfast, Sabine does the dishes and I try to wake up properly while taking the shower.

„Could you please give me the telephone number to the Ladybird’s director?“ I ask Sabine when I am fully dressed, ready to leave.

„You want to go there?“ she wonders but gives me the number anyways. I save it in my cell phone and plan to call them and announce my visit after I see Sab off.

The ritual of morning good byes goes perfectly this time. I don´t make any mistakes and make sure that my make-believe lover gets an exemplary French kiss right in front of our gate.

When she starts her car and leaves, I go back and head right to the telephone.

„Good morning, it’s Bill Kaulitz here,“ I introduce myself, because I´m calling from the home line.

„Good morning. How can I help you? Is there any problem?“ the lady director of the orphanage asks. I immediately calm her down, reassuring her that I sent the money for the garden cottage yesterday right after we had arrived home.

„I would like to visit you again this afternoon, if it´s possible,“ I state my request and I hope that she wouldn’t refuse on such a short time notice.

„Oh, of course. Just ring at the gate upon your arrival and the nurse will come and get you, the same as yesterday.“ That went smoothly… I got the permission and I feel relieved. We say our good-byes and I hang up.

I drive out to the street, then taking the same road Sabine did yesterday. When I turn onto the forest road, my heart starts to beat faster. I´m going to take the first step towards my life as a father, so I can´t screw it up. I have to think through every little detail so I won´t scare David away.

A nurse comes after a moment of waiting, smiling politely. She must be around eighteen, maybe nineteen? A pretty face. While I follow her inside I wonder how it must feel like to work among those abandoned poor kids? I couldn’t most probably cope.

The long staircase is behind me and the director welcomes me warmheartedly in her office. She shows me to the sofa, at the same spot where we sat yesterday with Sabine, and offers me some mineral water. I let her pour me a glass, nervousness taking over me while I speak to her, fiddling with the glass in my hand all the time.

„I came to you with a big request.“ I shift my uncertain eyes toward the director, trying to gain her attention and sympathy, flashing my most professional smile. She smiles back at me and waits for me to continue.

„Yesterday I found out that I have a son,“ I blurt out at her.

„Congratulations, what is his weight?“ The woman in front of me blinks gladly.

„How should I know…“ I answer, shocked, while trying to estimate how heavy my little Davey could be approximately.

„They didn’t tell you at the maternity unit?“ She looks up, her questioning eyes firmly set on me and I finally understand.

„Oh, no, no, he wasn’t born yesterday, he´s three years old already,“ I explain and now she is the one looking at me weirdly. „You know Sabine, my girlfriend, the one that brought me here yesterday… she wanted me to see him. His mother died not a long time ago and he is waiting here for an adoption. For all those three years I was not aware of his existence and now, when I finally am, I would like to take care of him, and that´s why I came back to ask you for a permission to meet him again,“ I quickly explain the whole situation.

„He´s here with us?“ She looks pretty surprised. „What´s his name?“ she is asking me and opens a big iron drawer full of paper folders.

„David Fischer,“ I answer and the director starts her search for his folder in alphabetical order. She takes out the right bundle of papers and closes the case of the cabinet with a bang.

„David Fischer, born 25th of June 2011 in Dresden. Mother: Karin Fischer, father: unknown,“ she reads the information from my son’s file out loud.

„How do you know that he is your son?“ she asks.

„My girlfriend… she found out by chance. It´s a complicated story, but I´m absolutely positive. I am planning to go to the court already this coming Monday and ask for a paternity test. I also want David to be put into my foster care before I can adopt him. Yesterday, when we were here, I didn’t know about all of this just yet.“ I tell her just the most basic facts, because she doesn’t need to know about my drunken one-night stand with Karin. If I ever needed to share that piece of information about my private life with anyone, then I would do so only in front of the judge, but no one else won’t ever find out. I can’t lose my face in front of the public and, besides, not everyone needs to know how I got Davey. It is more than enough that press will be all over me, trying to pry all details out of me. I have to come up with some reasonably believable and credible story, not the one about a drunk irresponsible idiot, who fucks the first girl that asks for it, gets tricked by her and so on… that just won’t do.

„I came mainly to see him. Don´t worry, I won´t tell him right away that I´m his father. I will wait until it is one hundred percent sure, but I would like to get to know him better in a meanwhile. I don’t want him to experience such a sudden shock later“ I reassure the director so that she won´t think I am intending on rushing crazily into the play room and starting to feed my son with all possible information about who I am. He´s a loner and it will probably take some time for me to steal his heart, but the effort is worth it. He´s my son for Christ sake… and his surname will be Kaulitz. Not Fischer, but Kaulitz. David Kaulitz… it sounds nice.

„I have to warn you, he´s a very shy boy. He doesn’t interact with any of the other children and we have problems to make him even listen what the staff speaks to him. He may have gone through some sort of trauma, but the child psychologist who works with him says that he will be alright,“ she tells me kindly and continues. „Would you mind if I called her and asked her for a permission? She knows best how to approach such children and maybe it would be wise if she spoke to you first and gave you an advice on how to do it.“ She suggests and of course I agree.

She picks up the phone and after a while she informs me that the psychologist has no objections and that she will arrive in half an hour. She lives in a village in a close proximity to the children center.

I thank her for her helpfulness and drink up my mineral water. „If you want, the children are downstairs in the playroom right now, so I can put you in the nurse´s room and you can watch him from there.“

I thank her again and I´m grateful that it all went to smoothly. Maybe if I wasn’t famous and didn’t contribute with a generous donation for the garden cottage, she might not been even interested to speak to me, so maybe my popularity has some advantages after all. The last thing I ask her for is to be discrete and respectful of confidentiality of my case, I wouldn’t want someone from the Ladybird’s personnel to get some idea and start calling the press. She promises that she would take care of it.

Karin was right when she assumed that I would want to fight for my son. She´s dead though and nothing can stand in my way to have him now. Maybe one day I will be able to see Karin in a different light, but for now, she was to me just a drunken leech, a liar who wanted to keep my away from my own son. She may have been miserable, but she had no one else to blame but herself.

We approach the ground floor where we can hear children playing. The director offers me a chair right in front of the big observation window through which I have an unobstructed view right into the spacious playroom. I search for the brown hair and dotted slippers and my eyes stop in the corner of the room.

He´s sitting there on the floor in the same position as yesterday, all alone next to the piano. His arms are tightly wrapped around his knees and he is staring at his indoors shoes. More than anything, I would love to pick him, hold him securely in my arms and take him away from this strange house full of sorrow, but I can´t screw up. I have to be patient and reasonable.

„Good morning, Mr. Kaulitz,“ I can hear a kind, quiet voice coming from behind my back.

I turn around to see to who it belongs to. A light brown-haired girl stands behind me, she is probably around twenty-five. I’m not sure, it´s hard to tell.

„I´m Mandy,“ she introduces herself and shakes my hand. “ I´m the children’s psychologist,“ she adds to make things clear.

„I´m Bill,“ I reply.“You don’t need to use my surname, I´m used to everyone calling me by my first name.“ I smile at Mandy.

„Well… Bill, could you please follow me to the office for a bit? We can talk there without being interrupted,“ she tells me, her quiet voice soothing me as I comply without any hesitation and follow her. There´s something about her… that voice, so calming. It probably comes with her profession.

We talk for almost half an hour. She explains how to act towards Davey so he wouldn’t get scared: no shouting, no sudden movements, touches only when he wants to, and other similar instructions. I feel more on the ball now and I´m grateful for her free time.

She informs me that they will bring Davey to the office soon and I have a permission to take him for a walk to the garden. There are swings and a sand box there, so much more appropriate environment for our first meeting compared to the boring office.

„I will be close. If you need me, just shout out, okay?“ I get the last instructions before they bring my son in.