„The children will have a really good example in you. I don´t think that a standard guy looks like you at all,“ Sabine whispers in my ear teasingly and I can´t help myself and slap her ass for that comment.
„Cut it out, Sabine, or I´m going to show you what a real man is!“ I growl in the lowest voice imaginable in her ear and we both start to giggle when we imagine how I could possibly „show“ her… oh well.
I understand that a man with make-up would be little bit of a strange example for the kids, but well, not all men must look rough, right? A little bit of care about one’s appearance never harmed anyone. I don´t even wear as many bracelets as I used to when I was younger, so what else could possibly bother them that much? I am wearing just three rings right now and a bracelet on each wrist. I toned it down a lot, actually.
I realized that one of the silver rings I own has an engraving ‚B+T 2007‘. It looks like it is a gift from Tom, he has the same one. Maybe it´s our engagement ring? I’ll need to ask him.
„Would you like to take a look around the house first, or shall we go directly to the children?“ the director asks and motions with her hand to where the nurse disappeared. „The children’s‘ bedrooms are located on the second floor and the play room and the dining room can be found right next to us. On the ground level there are the gym and the game room,“ she explains. I don´t feel like climbing any stairs anymore, what could we possibly see in empty rooms?
„We should go directly to the children, if they are looking forward to us that much, right Bill?“ Sabine saves the situation.
„Of course, I can´t wait to meet them,“ I lie intentionally, knowing that that’s not completely the truth. I´m pretty scared. I’ve always been a little bit emotional and overly sensitive, as Tom says, and I´m afraid that this is going to be too much to handle. I don’t want to present myself to those kids as a crying wimp in smeared make-up instead of a strong man they expect to see.
But I was afraid for nothing. The moment when we enter the play room and the director introduces us formally to the present nursemaids and all children, all the nervousness leaves me. After having been here for less than ten minutes I already have two little girls sitting on my lap and one boy hanging on my shoulders. They are so spontaneous. They are not shy and they call me uncle. They keep kissing my cheeks and trying to drag me along to places where they badly need to show me something. Sabine is under the same attack, so we don’t even have time for each other.
After we give them all the soft toys, we´re invited to the refreshment table. Before I even manage to stand up, a four-year-old blond girl called Terry takes my hand and pulls me to the table.
„Uncle, sit down on the chair and I will feed you, okaaaay?“ She pins me down, her blue eyes firmly set on me and she grabs the first piece of pastry from the table she can reach. I lift her up to my lap to have her closer and I let myself being fed obediently.
„Is it good?“ she asks when I finish chewing the first mouthfull.
„Hmmm, yep.“ I nod and I am given the next piece immediately.
„You have to eat uncle, you are too skinny,“ Terry preaches and fills my mouth non-stop with pastries. „All right, that’s enough, uncle. We should leave something for the auntie too.“ She lets me go and runs away to find yet another victim to feed. After a while she manages to catch Sabine and she pulls her to the same table.
I sit at the table alone for a little while and I am taking a moment to take a proper look around the big room. They have a piano here, it seems they sing with the children. I look at the corner next to the piano, and I can see that someone seems to be hiding there crouching down on the floor. I can just see brown curls on a small head, so I go to see what recluse is hiding there. I quite understand, I used to like to be alone when I was small too.
„What are you doing here all alone?“ I kneel down next to a brown-haired boy.
He looks at me with large eyes but says nothing.
„Shall we go and play together?“ I try to lure out from his hideout, but he doesn’t seem to cooperate that easily. „I´m Bill, and you?“ I introduce myself to him and wait to see if he will at least tell me his name.
„I´m David,“ the big-eyed boy replies quietly and smiles a little.
„Shall we play something?“ I ask carefully and pull a chair to the piano. I lift the cover off the keys and start playing a well-known melody. I´m not a good pianist by any means but when I compose I need to hear the melody from time to time, so I had to learn to play a bit.
David watches what I´m doing and then he stands up from the floor. He stands at the corner of the piano and watches my hands.
„Come here, I will show you something,“ I lift him up on my lap. „How old are you?“ I ask him to carry on with our conversation.
He puts his little hand in front of my eyes and shows me three fingers.
„That old?“ I act surprised. „So you are already a big boy and big boys must know how to play,“ I tell him and play the melody of a well-known children’s song again. I take his little hand, uncurl his fist and take his index finger trying carefully to press the keys with it creating a simple melody. The whole time I do this, I can feel his stare on my face.
He probably doesn’t care at all what I´m trying to teach him, because he says suddenly, seriousness detectable in his voice. „You are my new daddy?“
I am stunned and I don´t know what to answer, I don´t want to hurt him.
„No, David, he is not your daddy, he is uncle Bill. He´s here just to pay us a visit,“ the voice of one of the nursemaids comes from behind my back.
„Okay,“ David says, disappointment painted all over his face as he slides down from my lap. He returns to his corner and takes the same position as before. I feel sorry for him, but he has no intention to speak to me any longer.
„Excuse him, the children imagine that everyone new that comes here is gonna be their new mommy or daddy,“ the nursemaid apologizes.
„It’s okay, I just got surprised, that’s all.“ I smile and turn to David. „I´m sorry,“ I tell him and stroke his little head with chestnut curls. I don´t even know why I´m apologizing to him, perhaps for all the injustices of this world.
I notice that David has no toy. I look around to see if there are any left. I spot something furry under the cabinet, so I take it and give it to him. It´s a toy of Pooh bear, I liked him very much when I was a child.
David turns his eyes to me and says with a slight smile: „Thanks, uncle Bill.“ He buries his tiny nose into the teddy´s belly and takes no more notice of me.
I return to the other children, but I keep my eye on little David. He doesn’t leave his corner the entire time. Why is the world so unfair?
„Bill, we should be going.“ Sabine suddenly informs me standing right behind my back, stirring up my sad thoughts.
„Okay, time went really fast, don´t you think?“ I smile at her and stand up to follow her to the director’s office again. I turn around one more time to say good bye to David, but he´s looking down at his cute, dotted slippers and doesn’t care about me.
I kneel down to him so he can see me properly, stroke his little head and say: „Bye, Davey.“
„Bye, uncle Bill,“ he answers sadly, without even trying to look at me and I am about to start to cry. We had better go or I won’t be able to hold myself.
We don’t stay in the director’s office for too long, I just promise to send them money for the garden cottage and after a while we´re outside in the garden again. When the gate with the Ladybird sign on it closes behind us, I feel quite relieved. I couldn’t have stayed there any longer.
Sabine notices my expression and takes my hand. „Come on, my hero, now we go home,“ she says and strokes my cheek tenderly.
I smile back, embrace her and kiss her in her hair. „Thanks, Sab, I´m really glad you brought me here. We should visit here more often, okay?“ I propose not even being sure what makes me wanna come back. This place is full of pain and suffering. I was close to crying and now I want to come back?
We get in the car and we stay quiet the whole way back to Berlin. Sabine turns on the radio to shatter our silence and I´m glad that I don´t have to talk. I can still see their sad eyes that started to shine brightly when we came. They didn’t care who we were, the main thing was that we were there for them. Nobody wanted an autograph from me and still I could feel that I was many times more useful just being there than at some stupid greet and meet.
„Are you hungry?“ Sabine asks when we are back in the streets of the city.
„Terry didn’t feed you enough?“ I ask with a smile when I remember the little blond girl.
„Yep, but it´s been two hours already and a long evening is in front of us. Shall we go to a restaurant?“
„All right then, I’ll let you take me wherever you want,“ I suggest to avoid possible complications. She could also ask me where I wanted to go and my knowledge of Berlin’s restaurants is close to being non-existent. I know just one, the one Tom and I went to and I don´t even remember what is it called.
We keep quiet inside the restaurant as well. I can see that Sabine is absentminded, she seems to be locked inside her head, so I let her be. I have also a lot to think about and some of it is wearing me down. We must look like a husband and a wife after ten years of their marriage and nothing left to talk about.
„I would like to pay.“ I wave at a waiter, after we had finished eating and drinking.
„Welcome back again.“ He smiles at us when I tip him twice as much as what’s considered customary.
Not long after we are back in front of the house.
„Won´t you park your car inside the garden?“ I ask Sabine when I see that she´s parking it in front of the house.
„No, it is not necessary, no one will steal this piece of garbage,“ she says and locks the car. „Everyone must see that I sleep over here so let’s not change the routines, okay?“ She smiles at me, takes my hand and gives me a light kiss.
„I still need to go out with Scotty,“ I inform her when our big darling of a dog rushes into the hall.
„I will take a shower then,“ she replies and walks into her room. Outside it´s already getting dark so we walk quickly and when we come back I can hear the soft splashes coming from the shower in the bathroom.
I´m quite curious what is going to happen next. I turn on the TV and wait for Sabine to return from the bathroom. I rest the back of my head against the couch rest and close my eyes. The images of today’s events are running in front of my eyes like on a movie screen and I feel quite satisfied. I know that we must absolutely return to that place. The children are so worth it.
– dream –
Tom and I are standing in our parents‘ living room. We´re holding hands, squeezing them tight together, both sweating with nervousness.
„What did you just say?“ mom asks, obviously not comprehending the message, looking all confused at Gordon, who just sits next to her on the sofa.
Tom repeats clearly and slowly. „We love each other, mom.“
„But it´s quite normal, you’ve always loved each other. You´re brothers,“ she stutters and I have to interrupt her.
„Mom, we love each other like lovers do, that´s what Tom tries to tell you.“ As a proof of the statement I just said, I stroke Tom’s face and give him a soft kiss on the lips. It´s clear to me that this must be a shock therapy for them, but it seems that mom wouldn’t understand any other way.
Her mouth is gaping and her face has been drained of all colour. „But you can´t… you´re brothers and… it´s not possible.“ She stands up and comes closer to us. „Bill, don´t do this.“ She looks me into eyes and puts her hand on my face. „You can´t, people wouldn’t understand… it´s… immoral, strange, how could you even consider something like this?“ She looks frantically from one to the other. She doesn’t know what to say next.
She turns to Gordon… he’s just sitting there watching us… „Say something.“ She motions at him and waits to see if he reacts somehow.
„What am I supposed to say to something like this?“ Gordon finally gets out and hides his face in his hands.
„Mom, we didn’t come up with it, it just happened. We didn’t plan for it to happen…“ I desperately try to turn the situation for the better, but mom is just standing motionless, big tears rolling down her cheeks.
„Oh, my boys, what are we gonna to do?“ she lets out a long breath clutching us tightly to her, then putting her head on my chest.
Tom starts to stroke her hair slowly to calm her down. We´re standing there like a group statuette and no one knows what to do next.
„We will survive, that’s what we are going to do; and we will need to be careful so that no one would ever find out,“ Gordon says suddenly, standing up from the sofa and giving us all a bear hug with his long arms. He´s a great father, even though he is „only“ our step dad.
„And I was slowly starting to look forward to grandchildren,“ mom counters and suddenly we all start to laugh.
I´m so glad that we told them, it was a good idea, they would find out eventually anyway and it is much better like this. At least at privacy of our own home we won´t need to be so careful and live in constant fear and terrible stress that someone would find out. In the last six months we have had more than enough of that.
Someone kisses my forehead and strokes my hair.
„Bill, wake up, we still need to talk about something,“ I hear Sabine´s voice.
„I must have fallen asleep.“ I open my tired eyes.
„Those children really worn you out,“ Sabine answers and plants one last kiss on my forehead.
I stretch my body like a cat and watch as Sabine takes out a bottle of reserva red from the bar together with two glasses. „Do you want some?“ she turns her head asking me and puts the bottle on the table.
„All right, why not,“ I answer, but exactly at the same time I remember the no-alcohol policy promise I made myself yesterday. „Just a little bit.“ I add, when Sabine heads to the kitchen for a bottle-opener.
„So, what’s up?“ I ask Sabine after we had taken first sips of wine from our glasses.
She puts her glass down and looks at me with her big brown eyes. She looks all of a sudden dead serious. What’s going on?
„Bill… you see, I need to tell you something that I had to hide from you for all those years of our friendship. I made a promise to someone, so don´t be angry with me. I hope you will understand after I told you everything. You know… Karin…“ She looks at me with concerned eyes, when I jerk when hearing that name. „…Yes, THAT Karin. She was my best friend,“ she says and everything in front of me gets blurry.
