There’s chaos in my head. I´m angry with Tom, but I would like if it was him who was lying on my chest. He´s not here. We had an argument again. He said that he has had enough of it all. I was offended and slammed the door when leaving.
I´m drunk, I don´t know how much I have already poured down my throat. I have to apologize, he didn´t deserve to be screamed at again, as if he ever did.
He doesn´t know where I went, if he decided to go out looking for me, he wouldn´t find me. I turned my cell phone off on purpose. I have to go home to him.
„Karin…“ I whisper in her ear. „Come, I will take you to bed, you are almost sleeping.“
She just purrs something drunkenly and she keeps hanging on my shoulders. I turn her with her back to me, take her tightly around her hips and direct our tipsy steps to the door of this overcrowded noisy room and I try to navigate her to the corridor.
„But I don´t wanna sleep yet…“ she mumbles, but she lets me lead her away quite easily. My legs are somehow tottering. I´m not used to drinking, today I really overdid it.
Cling… We enter a hotel elevator, I lean against the wall and Karin falls on me. I try my best not to let her fall down. I just smile; everything seems so blurred and funny to me. My eyes are closing. They play pleasant music here. They keep repeating the same tune. How do I know this song?
I wake up and from afar I can still hear the melody from the elevator. It´s still dark. The melody is playing around and around. It comes from the living room. It´s a cell phone, I finally understand and I slowly sneak out of the dark bedroom not to wake up Tom. On the way out I take a bathrobe from the floor and put it on quickly not to get cold. Who would call me so late at night? I take a look at the clock, half past two in the morning.
The cell phone on the table keeps blinking and playing that same song. I take a look at the display with my sleepy eyes. ‚KARIN‘ shines back at me.
So it seems like I really know her, she is real and even awake so early in the morning. I don´t hesitate and of the two possibilities I choose the button for picking up the call. Normal call, not video call. At night I won´t show my face on display to anyone, she could get a heart attack from my sleepy head.
„Yes?“ I say, my voice raspy, and I wait for what will happen.
„Bill… is that you?“ speaks evidently drunk Karin. I remember that voice from my dream memories.
„Yes,“ I answer shortly. Somehow I don’t know what to say.
„Bill, would you come over, I feel really terrible,“ she wheezes.
„But where?“ I ask confused.
„To mine… home…“ she whispers sounding forced and suddenly there´s a strange silence in the telephone. She hung up.
„Hey, Karin?“ I try again, but it´s useless.
I end the call and try to call her number again. It rings, but no one picks up. I try twice more, but there’s no point.
Well, that´s a pity, girl, because I have absolutely no idea where you live. I can recall an image of her flat, which I saw this afternoon at the hairdresser´s, but I don´t know how I could figure out where that was. Behind the window there were only some more normal looking windows of the house across the street. Nothing that could help me.
I put the cell phone back on the table and I go into the kitchen to have something to drink. Who is Karin? What do I have in common with her? One drunk dance at some party, a visit to her strange flat, money… I don´t know how to put those things together. There’s still too little information to come up with something plausible.
I go back to the living room and sit down on the sofa, feeling shattered. Was it all worth it? But yeah, it was. I have Tom and that´s the most important thing. Who cares that besides him I’ve got to deal with some nonstop drunk, Karin? Even though I was not expecting it to be a paradise, life is always more difficult than expected, with or without love. I feel cold. I´m barefoot.
I go back to bed. I don´t know how I could have helped her, anyway. She is most likely lying in her scanky flat and she´s just calling to come and take care of her as if I was her private buttler. Screw her. It´s going to get light outside soon. I lay down on the bed carefully and close my eyes. I’ve already had two dreams tonight, but it seems that they are most likely memories of real events. Their frequency is starting to increase. Hopefully, by tomorrow I will remember more connections and put things together. In the morning I will also have to ask Tom if he knows this name. It would be easier if he knew her, we could solve this all together. But why do I still have a feeling that I can´t tell him about her?
Something is tickling my nose. An annoying fly; we must buy some nets for the windows. I lash out make it go away.
„Hello, we need to wake up.“ I can hear next to my ear. I open one eye. Something light-brown is touching my nose. I open my other eye. My brother is hanging over me and tickling me with his dreadlock.
„It´s eleven o´clock, you´re going to sleep all day,“ he informs me with a smile.
„Aaaaaaaw…“ I stretch myself so that my backbone almost cracks. „Hello, Tommy,“ I give him a morning smile in return and kiss on the cheek.
„How did you sleep?“ the already dressed up Tom asks me.
„Decent enough, but what happened that made you wake up so early?“ I´m wondering because my bro always used to sleep longer than I.
„We fell asleep already at nine, so don´t be surprised. Twelve hours of sleep was quite enough for me,“ he answers and I start to get up from the bed slowly.
„Your breakfast is on the table. I was out with Scotty, so I bought some fresh buns. While you are getting ready, I will be at the studio for a while. I must practice a little bit again, so come by later, ok?“ Tom says while heading to the door. „So, bye, I will be waiting for you.“ He closes the door.
„Bye,“ I answer him, but he can’t hear me anymore.
I go directly to the shower. My hair is like a bush since yesterday I fell asleep while it was still damp. I take off the remaining traces of the blackness around my eyes and finally I can fix myself up the way I like it.
Silke is skillful, my hair is almost the same as before. I’ve long years of practice in blowing it out and straightening it quickly, putting my make up on is a breeze. In thirty minutes I´m completely done, it´s a real record.
I put on the first clothes I can find in my closet, because my stomach is already grumbling. Tom has excelled himself; coffee in a thermos, buns on the table. I wolf down five of them quickly. They disappear into my stomach as if it were an abyss. I put the dishes in the dishwasher, turn it on and I go to sit in the living room for a while.
I have to watch TV a little bit, to see what´s new. I turn it on, but I´m not able to see much, because my eyes are drawn to the cell phone. I remember last night’s call from Karin. I look at the display: two missed calls. Someone was trying to call me when I was in the shower, but it´s an unknown number.
Suddenly the cell phone starts ringing in my hand. I almost drop it from shock.
„Hello?“ I press the video call button to see with whom I am speaking, but no one appears on the display. ‚No video signal‘ my cell phone informs me. I put the cell phone to my ear, because the person is probably calling from a house phone.
„Is it Mr. Bill Kaulitz?“ someone speaks in deep voice.
„Yeah, this is he. With whom am I speaking, please?“ I ask politely, because you never know who is on the other side and I don´t want to cause a scandal.
„This is detective Krause from the criminal service unit of the police partment of the Federal Republic of Germany,“ the same deep voice introduces himself to me. I am silent because I don´t know what to say. Shock is probably an understatement for what I am feeling right now.
„We need to speak with you, Mr. Kaulitz. Please, come to our office this afternoon at three o’clock,“ the detective continues and I finally gather myself.
„What do you need to speak to me about? Did I do something wrong?“ I ask with a quite constricted throat, because this has never happened to me before. I’ve only ever encountered traffic police, but a criminal unit, that´s another category. A worse one, of course.
„No, nothing, don´t worry. It´s just about giving us some information. We won´t keep you long. It won’t take more than an hour of your time. Please, write down our address.“ He calms me down and I search around the flat for a paper and a pen. It´s terrible not to know where the things are in one’s own cabinets. Finally I find a notebook and there’s a marker on the table from yesterday. I write down the address quickly and the detective says goodbye to me.
Phew, this is even worse than Karin. Oh my god, what sort of information can I give them, when my memory bank is totally empty? Wiped-out , blank, non-existent. It´s going to be a lot of fun. How can I wake up that stupid memory, it´s throwing at me such chaotic pieces of information, but what can I do? I need some extreme situation or some shock, maybe then it would start working. What the hell, I can’t just shock myself by own means can I? Maybe Tom could bark at me again, but last time it didn´t have any special effect.
Tom… what should I tell him? What if we committed a crime together? Maybe we have a body of a journalist who revealed and extorted us, buried in our garden somewhere? Well, that´s probably too far-fetched, but one never knows. I will go down to him and we will talk about it together. I can´t solve everything by myself. I’ve got headache from all this, but I don’t know where we keep the painkillers. I stand up from the sofa but suddenly I feel another flashback coming up. I have to sit again or I might fall down.
flashback
I have a terrible headache. I should not have drunk so much yesterday, I can’t tolerate alcohol that much. I don’t even know how I got back home. My head is totally empty.
Tom´s hair is tickling my chest. I have to go to the toilet, but I don´t want to wake him up.
I open my eyes carefully. Damn, it hurts, my head is pounding.
I carefully take a look at Tom´s head. Holy shit! It´s not Tom! Oh my god, Karin… What is she doing in our bedroom? Where is my Tom?
I take a look around; it´s not our bedroom. I probably fell asleep in her room. I carefully squeeze myself out from underneath Karin. She grumbles something and continues to sleep. I carefully put my feet on the ground next to the bed. Oh my god. My underwear is lying next to the bed. Ouch, my head, it´s like one thousand drums are beating in there.
Why did I take off my clothes? I always sleep in boxers. I lift the blanket carefully and immediately I know what had happened here last night. I need to take a shower desperately. You fucked it up, dude. This won´t just go away so easily. Tom must never find out about this. I´m such an jerk…
I sit in total shock. Karin… god damn Karin. I knew that it wouldn´t be so easy. Now I can´t ask Tom about her; most likely he doesn´t know her. I hope that he doesn´t know her. What kind of idiot am I? And I used to throw hysterical tantrums because of infidelity issues of all things. I am the last one to be talking.
It was the last thing I couldn’t get, now it´s clear. I was unfaithful to him, not the other way around. But I was drunk, my head was so empty that I totally don´t remember it. Maybe Karin raped me? But when I was taking her to her room she was totally drunk. She could hardly force me into anything. Probably I will never find out the answer.
I have to find some pill for the headache or my head is going to explode. I try in the bathroom. How can I look into Tom´s eyes now? How can I come to him and say: „So, darling, I finally found out why we were arguing so much lately. I sort of slept with some woman but it was only once, sorry, I was drunk…“ That´s not possible, I would be too ashamed of myself.
Finally I´ve found the pills. I take one immediately, still in the bathroom, before my headache drives me crazy.
Yesterday I saw love in Tom´s eyes, but if I were to tell him about this, there would be pain in them again, and I don´t want that. The old unfaithful Bill didn´t tell him, that I´m pretty sure about. Damn, where´s some little towel, I have to put it on my head. Here´s something… Aaaah, it cools me down so pleasantly. I have to lie down for a while, I can´t go to him like this. Let´s hope it will pass soon…
„Hey, Bill, as I was waiting down there for you to come you were snoring here happily away…“ I hear a voice behind me. I probably fell asleep, but the headache is gone, hurray.
„What´s with you, love?“ Tom asks, concern in his voice, when he notices the towel on my forehead.
„I had a headache, so I took a pill and I probably fell asleep here. Sorry, but I wanted to come to you after I got better,“ I apologize to him and at the same time the scene from the hotel room is running through my head. He loves me so much and I did such a disgusting thing. I have to compensate it to him somehow. Compensate for that old idiot Bill who wasn´t able to control himself. I’m slowly starting to be allergic to him and maybe I would be happier if I couldn´t remember anything anymore.
„What´s the time?“ I ask.
„It will be two o´clock soon, we should eat something, I´m starting to get hungry. How about some McDonald’s? We haven’t been there in a long time,“ proposes Tom.
„Yeah, it´s a nice idea, but we have to be quick, because I have to be at the police station at three o´clock,“ I remember the conversation with detective Krause.
„What? Where?“ Tom asks me, surprised.
„The police station. They called me this morning and asked me to come and give them some information. They didn´t want to tell me what it was all about. Do you know if we did anything wrong?“ I wonder what Tom is going to tell me.
„You drove through a red light again, didn´t you?“ Tom gets angry. „How many times do I have to tell you that you´re gonna kill yourself in your car one day. Aren´t you able to stick to the rules at least for a little bit?“ my angry brother preaches to me and I can´t understand how he suddenly changed into a caring mother. That role suits him though, that´s for sure.
„That’s going to be your sixth fine in the last six months. Do you want maybe to make a deposit for some future fines of yours to them? Save them a lot of work?“ He´s watching me reproachfully and then it strikes him that I didn’t do it.
„Oh, sorry. It wasn´t you, but that old Bill. Somehow I forgot,“ he starts apologizing.
„Don´t apologize, I don´t usually drive very carefully either, but so many fines in six months I have never got.“ I remember my old life. „Besides, he wasn´t from the traffic police, but criminal investigation. That´s why I asked you if we didn´t commit some crime, to know what´s happening,“ I inform him and I can see that he thinks hard searching his mind for any possible reason explaining why I should need to go to the police.
„They wanted only you?“ he asks, searchingly.
„Yeah, they didn´t talk about you, they didn´t want to tell me what´s going on.“
„Well, I have absolutely no idea. You will have to use your acting skills, because I don´t think they will let me join you for the questioning,“ he thinks aloud.
„I hope I will manage somehow,“ I answer and I go to check how my hair looks.
„We should be leaving, or we won´t be there on time,“ Tom calls at me from the hall. „I’ll just get something from upstairs and we’ll meet in the garage at the car, ok?“ he shouts and I can hear the main door close.
„Yeah,“ I reply to the empty hall.
