Space-Time Story 1.

>>>>>>>TRAILER<<<<<<<

The following story begins with a death, which of most of us are afraid of our whole lives, because it seems that there´s nothing after it. But what if even death isn´t as definitive as it seems? What if there´s a way to beat it, and get back what already seemed to be lost forever? Who of you wouldn´t try it, if you got a chance?

In the summer of 2007, when I was contemplating what my first twincest story should be about, I remembered my favourite topic and I decided to write a story where nothing is definitive, even death. Maybe it will prompt you a little bit when I tell you that my inspiration was the 1985 move ‚Back to the future‘, with Michael J. Fox as the lead actor, which I really like. And for those of you who didn´t see the movie; let yourself be surprised, it may be better like that.

The story is finished and translated and the chapters should be published here regularly. Its original Czech title is ‚Časoprostor‘ and it was published for the first time in September of 2007. Thanks a lot to my friend Alena for the translation from Czech to English, to TokioKoos and green_and_blue for the great beta-reading, and to Ketty for the awesome trailer. Thanks, girls! :-*

And one more thing. Because lot of people told me that the death of the main character in the beginning of the story shocked them too much to keep on reading, I´ve decided to tell you: Don´t worry about that! :o)

Your comments will surely delight me, I will be incredibly thankful for each one. And now let´s read already! J. :o)

Report of the journal Die Welt:

Hamburg 13. 5. 2014:
„Due to severe injuries, the guitarist of Tokio Hotel, Tom Kaulitz (25), twin-brother of group frontman Bill Kaulitz (25), died in his apartment in Hamburg today, early morning. Serious stabbing wounds to which he succumbed, according to the police statement, were caused by his girlfriend, Sabine Z. (23) during a domestic quarrel. The deceased’s family refused to comment on the whole matter. It still remains unclear whether a public mourning ceremony will be held.“

Leipzig 20.5.2014

I had a feeling it would end really badly between them, but I would have never thought, not even in my wildest dreams, that it would end with his death. Unfortunately, I had no chance to prevent it. Tom was always a bit stubborn and as we got older, it got worse. We were twins, so I know what I’m talking about, I’m the same.

Sabine has been a good girl, but I think they didn’t suit each other well. My brother needed someone who would be devoted to him, waiting for him to come home from his love affairs, someone who wouldn’t blame him but love him and all his faults and drifts. Unfortunately, no one could expect that of Sabine. She was a beautiful brunette, high class girl, delicate, but also a wild cat; hot-tempered and stubborn just like him, and she was very malicious when it came to cheating.

Tom was satisfied; he wouldn’t stand a mousy girl by his side. I told him to end this stormy relationship a hundred times, as long as there was still time left to do it, but he loved her too much to leave her.

Every night we phoned and talked about their fights, but nothing new came out of our talks. They hung on together for an incredible three years full of love and fights, until Sabine finally ended their relationship during the last fight which turned into a struggle for life, and she stabbed a knife into his heart in self-defence. And without knowing, she killed me as well. She killed my other half, my twin and my love.

May is the month dedicated to love. And I sit here at the old family grave in Leipzig, where we put my brother to rest in peace secretly this morning, and now I just can’t stop crying. I know, you can call me weak, but I lost someone who was everything to me. He was my twin, my friend, my partner in children’s mischief, my group mate, my confidant and, finally, my first and only love. Memories of the time when everything was so simple are flowing through my head.

„Biiiill, you home?“ I hear from the door and wince as if I were doing something forbidden. I hide his picture under the pillow and call back. „Yeah, here in my room.“

I hear clattering in the corridor and after a minute, my fifteen-year-old brother jumps on the bed with an incredible flare in his eyes.

„Guess what, Lina just told me that she likes me! Can you believe that? Lina, the most beautiful girl in the high school, desired by everyone, and she wants me, only me, Tom Kaulitz from this hole of a village. That’s awesome, don’t you think?“ he jabbers happily, nudging me and eagerly awaiting my answer.

„Yeah, I guess it is,“ are the only five words I’m able to say, and I carry on watching his happy face. If he only knew what pain he is causing me by these words. I would like to be Lina, why do I have to be a boy, and even worse, his twin… why can’t I be his love? For I love him more than anyone in the world. I would bring him the moon if he wanted to, but… I would have to find the courage to reveal my feelings to him in the first place, and I haven’t found it so far.

My love for my twin was excruciating. The less I could breathe when looking at him, the more I was convinced it was probably something more than just admiration for my elder brother. It was love. I was head over heels in love with him. Tom was just like God to me. Basically overnight, without him changing for real, changing only in my eyes, he seemed to be different.

When he grinned at me, my heart skipped a beat and I suddenly couldn’t breathe. When he touched me, it was a gentle touch filled with sparkles. Everything about him seemed admirable and beautiful to me. His walk, his hair, his eyes, his voice and his lips, the words he said were sacred to me, even when he was teasing me. So much I longed to touch those lips, if not with my mouth, at least with the tips of my fingers, just slightly, as if it had happened just accidentally, not to stir anything.

Several times I caught myself staring at him with my mouth wide open and my brain stuck. I could only concentrate on the movement of his lips. Sometimes I could see in his eyes something special, something like sadness or maybe even love, but mostly, it quickly disappeared and I was left with my love, hopelessly alone.

When I realized the truth then, I started to feel terribly ashamed of myself. I could not get rid of all fantasies I had in my head twenty-four/seven. I was ashamed of erotic dreams with my love as the main character in them, which followed me like a faithful dog every night, but on the other hand, I started to get used to them and love them. They were my only chance to enjoy at least a piece of what I dreamed about all day long.

I blamed myself for being perverted. Was it normal? Tom already looked differently than me on the outside, but we both knew that we were the same. We had the same body, the same genes, face, ideas, and even dreams occasionally, only the beauty mark on his face was in another spot than mine.

Perhaps… it was almost as if I loved myself. It was not good, probably even forbidden. I knew that it was something that society wouldn’t speak of, that it was incest. I looked the word up in the dictionary once, and I started hating it immediately. It ruined my life, chased after me wherever I went and filled the entire ten years with suffering – just one word.

Then I said to myself I couldn’t do that to Tom, dragging him into this meant forcing him to lie, or at least not to say the entire truth. He, the chatty one, who always said the first thing that came to his mind, would suffer hard from losing his recklessness, which I loved so much.

If he knew about my feelings, maybe he wouldn’t stop liking me? Who knew? The bond between us had been strong since our birth and it had always seemed indestructible to me. It was until his death.

I feel a terrible emptiness in my chest, where half of his heart was stored next to mine. If I had told him the truth and he didn’t feel the same way, would he have rejected me? Maybe. I don’t know and can’t ask any more.

If he had known, what would have happened? Would he suffer with me, if he knew that he could not give me what I wanted? Would he keep it a secret? I knew myself how hard it was to hide something like that. Maybe it would tear us apart and I couldn’t afford that, didn’t want that to happen. Not that, I wouldn’t survive without him. I couldn’t do it to him, not him, the person I loved.

After my initial shock, I slowly accepted my hopeless love and I knew I could do nothing at all until it would wear off by itself, I had to deal with it. But I didn’t suppose it would happen. It never left and now it’s too late.

He started going out with Lina then, and I knew he would never love me back. But I didn’t want anything from him. No remorse, no compassion, but a love that I couldn’t have, he couldn’t do it, and probably would not want to.

Another girl showed up after Lina, and the more girls he had, the more I suffered. His scores with girls felt like daggers to my heart. My love became more hopeless with every day passing by.

And when we became famous, it was definitely lost. He was labelled as a ‚Don Juan‘, a cruel conqueror, who didn’t hesitate hitting on any suitable victim and enjoyed it as much as he could.

He didn’t want love. He didn’t believe in love. He just wanted to have fun. I was just a younger brother, an unwise romantic, who was hopelessly waiting for a big love to come and he had to keep an eye on me. But being in love with me? No, not that.

It hurt. It hurt so much, but I eventually figured out how to live with it. There was nothing else to do, if I didn’t want to lose my love. This was what I was for him; still a confidant. He shared his good and bad times with me and there were quite a few of them. He was a natural girls‘ hearts conqueror and hated failure.

And sometimes, when some proud girl dumped him or he got rejected, I was always there for him. He could confide in me. He would never reveal his weaknesses to anybody, he was too proud. He believed I wouldn’t tell anyone else either. And he was right. Everything he had said to me was saved in the ‚top secret‘ section in my heart, which I renamed it the ‚pain corner‘. For the rest of the world, he was a guy who just didn’t let anyone into his heart, but I knew better. He was sensitive in the same way as I am, just no one was allowed to know.

Yes, I learned to love him selflessly and I wished he could do what he longed for, and what hurt him, hurt me. All the joy and pain I shared with him, and I was happy that it could be that way.

Several times I almost couldn’t control myself and everything that was in me almost came to light, but eventually I always managed to control my feelings by force. I couldn’t tell him. There was the danger he might not understand and I would be left alone. I couldn’t risk that, I couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t…

Oh my God, Bill, stop crying, stop being a pussy, you’re a man and men don’t cry.

A water drop falls on my hand. Then another one, and after that, another one. I lift my red-rimmed eyes to the sky. While I was thinking, the sky has got dark and it has started raining. The sky is crying for his death. For the death of my second half, who I miss so much.

Once again, I look at the sad grave and say goodbye in my mind. I have to go, brother; I have so many sad duties to do. I know that we once promised that we will die together, but when you’re sixteen, things such as death seem awfully distant and unreal. I will go and live my miserable life. You will live with me forever, buried in my heart.

I go straight from the cemetery to Sabine, to Hamburg. She phoned me to collect some of Tom’s things. I used to quite like her, but right now I am not strong enough to listen to her version of what happened. I read her testimony from the police report and that was enough. According to them, it was self-defence. Tom was drunk, he attacked her and she only protected herself from getting hurt. I don’t want to hurt her, but I am not able to see her right now. I take a box placed by the door and leave quickly, out of the place where my Tom’s life went out like a candle. I don’t want to go there; I would have to hate her then.

I jump in the car and speed off to my apartment located in a house at the edge of Hamburg. I have never been married and I don’t have any permanent girlfriend. No girl could ever give me what I needed, so only my dog Scotty is waiting for me at home. It isn’t the same Scotty as in our childhood, but we couldn’t give up the name as I picked up this doggy from the pound with Tom. He is a mixture, a street hybrid, and he weighs more than I do. We never found out his parents‘ breeds, but he is clever and kind and he wouldn’t hurt a fly. I have to walk him, feed him and then I can finally sit and rest and see what’s in the box.

Finally, it took another two long hours before I decided to open the box. Mom phoned to tell me they had arrived back home and asked me how I was doing. What was I supposed to tell her? Just like you, mom, I’m crying, crying and crying… I miss him so much.

Scotty almost broke free out of the apartment, couldn’t wait to take a long run and as if on purpose, we met a nice lady dog, so he didn’t want to go home. I won’t get my dog neutered, I am not a brute, but keeping him calm while he plunges towards his chosen girl is not funny. With my non-existing muscles, it was difficult to manage, but in the end, I had him. I was never much of the sporty type and at twenty-five, I am not planning to start exercising now either.

The dog’s owner was pretty scared when she saw me hanging at the end of my dog’s leash, but I finally managed to hold him. Then she smiled at me, with effort. She had probably recognized me. I could see in that sad smile she knew what had happened to me. All of Germany knew, so it was no surprise. The News is full of it, everyone blames Sabine, but I know she is not the only guilty one. Lately, Tom had started to drink a lot and got aggressive. Even though I loved him very much, I could see that he was on the wrong path. And I just looked on without doing anything.

I put the box on the table and begin to go through the saddening things inside. There are things from Tom’s childhood he kept, our pictures, the first CD we released, a couple of trophies from the concerts he didn’t have the heart to throw out, his documents, his first branded baseball-cap, he never wore it anymore, but never gave it up either. It is sad how little of the man remains.

I find an envelope among the documents and I see with astonishment that it is addressed to me. I have no idea what could possibly be inside. Maybe a letter? We have never written to each other, so why now? Or are there some other pictures or documents? Or even a testament? I can’t think of anything else. I put the other things back into the box and sit down to have a look at its contents.

I notice the envelope isn’t new and it seems there is more than just one letter on it, it is quite huge. My hands are shaking, shit… I can’t open it. Finally, I manage to cut an edge with a finger. Inside, there are three smaller envelopes; they are numbered 1, 2 and 3. The envelope number 1 is evidently the oldest one and on it is written:

„This letter is addressed only to Bill Kaulitz, born on 1.9.1989 in Leipzig. If you are anyone else, don’t touch it or I’ll find you and kick your ass! Tom Kaulitz.“

There is a beautiful skull and crossbones right next to the threatening message. Looks like it was written a long time ago, especially because of Tom’s handwriting and the style in which the sentence was formed. I laughed, it was so typical of Tom – being a tough guy.

There are only numbers on the other envelopes, so it is clear I have to open number 1 first. I am opening it really, really slowly but I can’t wait to see the message inside. It will be most likely one of Tom’s pranks he used to make, and now he is surely laughing in heaven, because I’m nervous as hell.

It really is a letter, and quite a long one.

Hamburg 9/1/2007

Hey Bill,

You are probably surprised I have written you a letter, aren’t you? The plan is, you will get it only when I am not here anymore (which I hope won’t be any time soon), so I hope you will be happy.

If I am still alive and you find this letter, I’m begging you! Please! Please!!! Burn it before you read more. If you don’t do that and read it anyway, our lives won’t be the same as they used to be, so make up your mind carefully! Yeah, if I am dead, I hope you play some Sammy’s kick-ass hip-hop on my funeral and not the common shit that’s normally played.

I read the first page of the letter. That was my brother – hip-hop at a funeral. I have to laugh. There were no songs, my little brother, because there was no funeral. We had to do it this way because of the fans you still have a lot of. They would probably crash the funeral and destroy the cemetery and we just couldn’t do that to mom, she wouldn’t stand it. It would become a place of pilgrimage. We buried you secretly and silently far from Hamburg, in Leipzig, where mom’s family came from. We wish you will forgive us.

I start to get really nervous… Am I supposed to find out something that will turn our whole lives upside down? Without hesitating, I turned to the other page, because all Tom’s conditions were fulfilled, unfortunately.

The following salutation stupefies me… if I wasn’t already sitting on a couch, I would surely have fallen down, but I am only stacked on a soft sofa and I can’t carry on reading. I am stuck staring at those three words, my heart beating wildly in my chest.

Bill, my love,

I read it again and again and I can’t believe my eyes, it’s impossible. I read fast before the oxygen in me vanishes and I faint…

We celebrated our 18th birthday yesterday. The party was great, as you can surely remember, but I was missing something very much. It was your hug I hoped all the time I would get. When I got closer to you, to wish you all the best, I saw something in your eyes that discouraged me to come to you and hug you. I ached for it so much, but you took a step back and I lost all the courage I found in myself and gave up. I gave up everything I wanted to tell you that night. We shook hands just like two old mates and that was it.

My love, yesterday I wanted to tell you how much I love you. It’s not just an ordinary love between two brothers. I love you, Bill. It’s much easier to write it down on paper than to tell it to your scared eyes. I am glad it finally came out. I suffered for about two years with this strong feeling deep inside of me and I can’t go on any more. Yesterday, I was really, really ready to tell you, but that something I saw in your eyes just stopped me. I figured out you might not understand my feelings for you, ending up hating me instead and I would lose you. Rather than this, I will keep my mouth shut. I will remain silent until I’m dead.

Therefore, I am writing you this letter to read when I am dead. I wouldn’t be able to cope with your contempt or hate. The chance that you would love me the same way as I love you are so minimal that it’s better not to take the risk. Your love was all I ever wanted from you. Neither compassion nor pity. I wouldn’t be enough, so I’d better give up in advance. I’m a loser for chickening out like this, I know, but the thought that one day you’ll come to know warms me. You can’t die before me, I wouldn’t survive that.

I´m almost finished, I just wanted you to know that all those girls that went through my life never superseded you, therefore I couldn’t keep any relationship for more than a night. I’ve always longed for one thing: just sex. Sex I wanted to have with you, but I know that it can never happen. In my dreams and thoughts it was beautiful, so forgive me for lying to you my whole life. I wanted to protect you from myself.

Your loving and forever devoted Tom.

Oh my God… oh my God…

Tears are flowing from my eyes, leaving salty traces all across my cheeks. I am such an idiot, why hadn’t I offered him my arms, everything could have been better. I remember that moment exactly, I can remember the feelings I had that moment. It was fear, just the fear that if he hugged me I wouldn’t be able to let him go. I would lunge on him in front of all the people who were celebrating with us and cause irreparable damage. Not just for the two of us, but to all the people who took care of us, liked us and admired us.

It was one of the moments when I thought I couldn’t keep it for myself. I inhibited the thoughts forcibly and took a step back to stop him from hugging me. I knew it couldn’t happen and I saw a deep sadness in his eyes. I shook his hand instead and just said: „Happy birthday, bro.“

Wow, what a cool thing to do. I was even happy that I was able to say it. I was almost proud of myself. If I just knew what I had done to both of us by my foolishness. I should have caught him in my arms and hugged him, touched him softly and maybe also kissed him. Everything could be different now.

Tom, my only love, I am really sorry, forgive me. I hope you can hear me up there. I hope you are in heaven and not down there, despite all the scandals you had. And if not, I would come for you down there.

We never believed in God, but hell, that was different. A man can get himself there by his stupidity during his life. I am the best expert on stupidity. Only I can lose my only love like this. We were both scared we would hurt the other, but we have hurt each other all the same.

We both lived in our own hells and thought we had made heaven for the other one. We were both idiots. Sorry, brother, but it is exactly what we were. What should I do now? How am I supposed to cope with all this shit? Everything is fucked up, nothing can be like it was before and now I have to go on living with this terrible feeling of guilt that it was all my fault…

I wake up from a black out, I must have fallen asleep for a while. It’s already dark outside, Scotty’s lying by my feet, fast asleep. I feel like a squeezed lemon. All my feelings came out with tears; I am absolutely empty, just a foolish sorrow is in me now. Now you pity yourself, you loser, now, when it is too late to do something about it?!

I have the remaining letters in my hand, stuck in envelopes. What’s inside? Had the affection Tom had for me worn off and he just wanted to call off everything he had written before? I have to find out, right now.

I am opening letter number two, again there is a letter and one more thing; a picture. It’s a photomontage of the two of us hugging affectionately. It’s not a photo, Tom must have printed it out. A really good montage, if I didn’t know the photo had never been taken I would maybe have believed that it was real. I have to read the letter, I am sure he will mention it there.

My love,

It has been exactly two years since I wrote you my first letter you have surely read a while ago. I hope you’re not angry. We are both twenty now; we are ‚adults‘, as mom would say whenever she wants us to behave, but I feel as if I am still a little kid. I would like to go back to our childhood, we could touch each other and nobody would care.

I’m enclosing a picture I found on the internet. Can you imagine that somebody has formed my feelings for you into this graphical beauty? I´d like to hug you, kiss you, love you the same way as it is shown in the picture. Four years is a long time. I was waiting, hoping that it wouldn’t hurt anymore, that I would be okay again, but I was wrong. I still love you the same way.

TOM

The picture is really great; I’ll keep it and have it always close to me. I knew that stuff like that was on the internet, but for me it was just the price of fame, so I didn’t give a shit about it. I didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to hurt myself more and more.

The third envelope is much more recent, it’s clear to see.

Hamburg 6/15/2011

Dear Bill,

I am trying to forget about you. Two months ago I met a woman; maybe I could live with her. Her name’s Sabine and she’s quite like you. Maybe I´m gonna like her, but I will love only you, forever. She will never replace you in my heart. Maybe it’s her beauty; she is tall, slim, with black hair and brown eyes. Your copy, but unfortunately just a copy. I will try to like her.

Our night calls keep me alive and I hope we will carry on phoning each other. You are still in my heart, but I can’t stand going on like that. I’ve started drinking. The alcohol is sometimes the only way not to remember, to forget. Maybe this booze will kill me, but I don’t care. When you can’t live by my side, I don’t wanna live at all.

If you are reading this and I am already dead, something must have happened to me, I suppose you are not eighty and I am not dead because of old age. If I know that I am dying, I have decided I will tell you everything before the end. Then I will have nothing to lose. If I die unexpectedly, then you will read this third and last letter.

Trust me, I don’t regret it. This life is more and more hell for me. Our band still keeps playing, it’s not like in the early years, but we still have the same fun. Only the band and you in it are keeping me alive, otherwise I would have died a long time ago. Have a beautiful time here, my love; don’t be sorry for me, because death is surely better for me than a life without you.

Forever yours,

TOM

I have no tears anymore. I just bluntly gaze at the wall. Sabine was my copy, my substitute. That’s why they were arguing so much… she had to feel he wasn’t honest with her.

Women have an instinct for these things. He had wished to die; and she, without knowing, made his dream come true. He was stronger than me, at least I thought so. Now I know he needed help. Nobody helped him; the person closest to him gave him the cold shoulder when he wanted to give him his love, because he was a coward.

And I still am. I’m not able to finish it off. I don’t wanna give up my life, my memories of him. I still want to feel it, at least in my mind. It could be easy, any doctor would write me some pills, I could die easily. Crush, mix, drink, and sleep, no feelings.

But what if there’s nothing more after death? What if I don’t meet him anymore? And what about mom? Burying both her sons would kill her. She’s got Gordon, yeah, but people say the most horrible thing for a mother is to look at the grave of her children. She had to do it once; I can’t make her do it twice.

The guys from the band wouldn’t be excited either. They are still hoping we will keep on playing. I saw it in Gustav’s face as he condoled me; he wanted to ask me, but he knew it was too soon. The wounds are still fresh; it might take a while to heal them a little.

I have to go, we can’t do anything, but we will manage, Scotty, won’t we? We have to.