Space-Time Story 23.

I stare dumbstruck ahead for a while and I don’t know what she means by that. But when she touches my hand and says that one simple sentence, it is clear to me, why she has such a serious face.

„You have a son, Bill.“

I gape at her in shock till my mouth closes again. I am speechless. That was a shock I wasn’t prepared for. The thoughts are running madly through my head, there’s an incredible chaos in there.

Sabine comes closer and embraces me. „Sorry, that I didn’t tell you about it earlier, but I promised Karin,“ she mumbles in my ear. „She was afraid that if I told you about your son, you might want to fight for custody and take away the only thing she still had left to remind her of you. She wanted to start a rehab treatment but the waiting time to get into a drug rehabilitation centre was too long. She was too late for that to make it in time.“ Sabine looks me in the eyes and kisses my forehead.

---

I don´t know what to say, what to do. While I stare at Sabine in silence, an urgent, obsessively repetitive thought keeps popping into my mind: I have a child. That same sentence is going round like a broken record. I must look terrified and shattered, because Sabine takes my head as if I were afraid of something. At that moment an absurd thought strikes me… that my mom has finally got a grandchild… she will be probably the only one who is truly happy about this.

„How… how did you find out?“ I stutter.

„Because of the date of birth. The day the social workers took him from Karin, he was two years old. She had mentioned it before, but I wouldn’t somehow put two and two together. When I started thinking about it, I just simply counted backwards that it was almost exactly two years and nine months since your night together. I was pretty sure, so the next day I rushed back and tried to make her admit to it. It was hard, but in the end she confessed. She totally broke down, but eventually she was glad that she could talk about it with someone. She told me that at first she had been really determined to get an abortion, but at the last minute she had changed her mind. She still loved you and she wanted to have your child. The hate towards you ceased, but she didn’t want you to know. She needed to have him just for herself. She knew that you had money and power and that you could possibly take the child from her, so she left Berlin and gave birth in Dresden. As far away from you as possible.

When she ran out of money you had given her for the abortion, she had to return to Berlin so that she could get more money from you, otherwise they would have nothing to live on. Her parents were already dead and she never spoke about her relatives. Every time when you were going to come, she left the boy with her neighbour. She stopped coping though and started drowning her sorrows in alcohol instead. She became slowly a sad ruin and had to pay for it by losing her child,“ Sabine finishes sadly. A tense silence reigns between us and I can almost hear my heart beat.

„Where is he now?“ I am able to ask finally.

„Who?“ Sabine doesn’t understand what I am talking about.

„My son,“ I snap back, awaiting anxiously her answer.

„Today you got to know him,“ Sab answers me with a faint smile. „His name is David.“

I see immediately an image of a lonely little boy with brown chestnut hair. My eyes well up with tears. No, that´s not possible… that was my son? And I told him that I was not his dad. He was looking at me with so much trust and hope, he was so sweet and I disappointed him so much. He´s there all alone now, in that corner by the piano waiting that someone would come and get him.

„I have to see him!“ I stand up vehemently from the sofa and the bottle of red almost falls over.

Sab catches my hand and pulls me forcefully back down. „Don´t be crazy, it´s Friday evening, nobody would let you to visit him at this time. He must be already asleep,“ she tells me kindly and wipes a tear off my face.

She pours me another glass of wine and forces me to down it. I let her do it, somehow I’ve lost all my power. She pulls at my shoulders, lowering my head into her lap. I submit myself to her soft forcefulness as I lie down. She strokes my hair slowly as if I were a little boy. I would love to be a little boy right now again. I could forget all worries adults need to deal with and run away to hide someplace where no one would find me.

„Do you think that you would like to take care of him?“ Sab asks quietly.

I surprise myself when I hear how definite my YES sounds. Of course I would like to. He´s my son. I can´t let others to take care of him. I would blame myself for the rest of my life. He looked so defenseless, in those tiny dotted slippers.

„It won´t be that easy, Bill,“ Sabine brings me back to presence from my deep thoughts. „I have been already trying to get some information on the subject from a lawyer after I had found out about her death. If you really wanted to get him, you would need to apply first for a foster care and have a paternity test done. You are not mentioned in David’s birth certificate. Karin didn’t disclose the child’s father. It just says Father unknown and David has her surname. After her death they moved him automatically to the Ladybird and there he is now waiting for new parents. Legally, he´s available, so it should all go fairly quickly. You have to hurry, but it can wait until Monday.“ She calms me down.

„Except… you shouldn’t forget about Tom. He has no idea. He has never met Karin, you’ve never told him anything, having to explain all of this to him might be difficult. Are you prepared for an alternative that he will be less than pleased?“ she asks me logically and waits to see what I will answer.

„Tom loves me, he will understand. He can´t possibly deny me to have my my own son, can he? He´s not like that.“ I answer Sabine stunned, but I can’t be sure that what I am saying is true. Tom loves me indeed, but this was a dirty trick. I have been keeping him intentionally in the dark, again, in spite of my promise to him. I couldn’t know that the whole Karin ordeal had not been over yet. I made a decision that should spare him all the disappointment he would surely have felt had he known about my infidelity but now my decision seems to cause even bigger damage. Probably much worse one. I have no clue how I am going to tell him, how he is going to deal… what if he leaves me? Thoughts are running crazily through my head and a peaceful, eventful day suddenly turns into an evening full of frightening questions.

I just rest like this for a while in Sabine´s lap and I listen to her breathing. Where did my hasty decision to wanna change my life bring me to? I expected that it wouldn’t be easy, but my new life is still hitting me with new and yet new surprises. On the other hand, this isn’t such a bad thing after all. I became a dad all of a sudden, our mom will become a grandma.

When I was all alone in my past life, I always used to think about the possibility to have children one day. Tom was unreachable, but getting married and becoming a father was always a possibility. I waited for the right one to come, the one I would finally fall in love with, the one that would make me forget Tom. I don´t know if that would have ever happened if I had stayed there; I won´t find out anymore. But right now and here everything is done and it is not possible to take it back.

I´m afraid, afraid of how I will manage to take care of a three-year-old child. I’ve never had the opportunity to experience something like this, so I have absolutely no idea what it entails.

I´m afraid… so very afraid of how my love is going to take it… is he going to cast me off or support me? His relationship with children has always been rather reserved. Tom’s motto in life is ‚carpe diem‘, but a life style including a child doesn’t exactly comply with that. It´s a life full of responsibility, fear, joy but also worries; it is surely not a careless fun. Tom has always liked enjoying himself, doing exactly what he wanted, not sparing the others much thought. I don´t even know what he is really like in this life. So far I got to know him as a sensitive, loving partner, a passionate lover, but how would he be as an uncle?

„Sab, how do you think Tom will take it?“ I ask into the silence of the dark room.

„I am not sure, Bill, but I´m afraid that it won´t be easy. I think that he will be jealous,“ Sab answers.

„Jealous?“ I surely sound surprised now. „Of whom? Karin? But she is dead, he doesn’t have to be jealous of her.“ I think about what she said, but it seems illogical to me.

„Not of Karin, but of Davey,“ Sab clarifies. „When I saw you two together this afternoon, I felt that it could work out. It delighted me how you acted with him. You will love him, he´s a lovely child but he is also competition to Tom. All of a sudden he won´t have all your attention just for himself. He will have to share it and he isn’t used to it. Don´t forget that from the moment you got into the relationship with him you’ve been all his.“

She´s right, it didn’t even cross my mind. But how do I prevent this? I´m at my wits end. I, self-confident, famous, fabulous Bill Kaulitz, don´t know what to do.

„I´m sleepy, I will go to bed,“ Sabine interrupts my train of thoughts. „It is best to sleep on it.“ She gives me good advice and motions for me to get up. I still have my head in her lap, so I sit up slowly so she can leave.

„Good night, daddy, sleep well.“ She smiles at me and disappears into her room. I hear the lock snap and a sudden silence engulfs me. It´s easy to say sleep well. Who knows if I even sleep a blink tonight. I am so confused and so riled up right now that I can’t imagine how I could possibly sleep in a state like that. I decide to take a lukewarm shower.

I´m standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror, blow-drying my black mane, thinking about how I will announce it all to Tom tomorrow. When I’m finished I turn off the hair dryer, put it back into the cabinet and walk out of the bathroom and to the hall, when I suddenly hear a terrible noise. What was that? Did the door slam? Is somebody outside the flat? With fear, I open the door and I can see a person collapsed on the floor behind the door.

„Tom!“ I scream, when I recognize who it is…